on my mind....

alright guys I know it's been forever....
thus everything has changed... my mom told me once that every 7 years your whole body regenerates new cells and your actually completely different than you were. that makes sense. 7 years ago I was 20, head over heels in love with my first serious boyfriend. and I was just so into my sorority sisters and school, partying and playing house with my ex.

7 years later, I have a great job, my own place, car and bills. Working hard to finish up the degree I didn't quite finish. no boyfriend. friends though... lots of those... a clear idea of what I want and deserve. still making mistakes and learning from them. still daydreaming of my prince arriving on his white horse... but more realistic... sometimes lol.

long conversations seem so far and few between. but i caught one last night. and mannnn it was eye opening.  really interesting to see how long i've know this guy... and watched him date all these women who were completely wrong for him, and one by one each relationship would bloom, then crash and burn. and I watched. never really said anything just watched. i'm not over the other guy so I'm not rushing into anything. but last night i remembered how scary simple things can be. but how you get over them when you have that support you need. he made me karaoke. i've done this dozens of times. and never really cared. but with him starring me in the eye as I did a spoken work rendition of this song I have never been so nervous yet assured  at once. then everything kind of came crashing down... I don't know what I want... I just know nothing worth having comes easily... this includes ridiculous relationships.... and ones that only exist in your mind...

speaking of minds.... adele... one and only.... every.single.word. just for my situation....i don't even know when I'm going to see him... or if he's even here....


You've been on my mind, I grow fonder every day
Lose myself in time just thinking of your face
God only knows why it's taken me so long to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all
You'll never know if you never try
To forget your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

If I've been on your mind, you hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time at the mention of my name
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me whichever road I choose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared 'cause I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all
You'll never know if you never try
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/a/adele-lyrics/one-and-only-lyrics.html)
To forget your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

I know it ain't easy giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy giving up your heart

Nobody's perfect
(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart)
Trust me, I've learned it
Nobody's perfect
(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart)
Trust me, I've learned it

Nobody's perfect
(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart)
Trust me, I've learned it
Nobody's perfect
(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart)
Trust me I've learned it

So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

Come on and give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

what to do

sick day at home... makes me super sad since I'd much rather be at work..... did get an awesome call from my honey who absolutely made me happy.... we argue about ideas and thoughts, not actions or worse, non-actions... if those are the biggest arguments that we have then I am lucky as hell.... and someday things will work out like God wants them to...

New Year....

Happy New Year! :) I had an amazing new year... Literally the most fun I've ever had! My family is amazing.... I was only missing my new years kiss which apparently will be happening sooner than I thought.... I got to talk to my guy... My love. He will be back sometime soon I had the best time talking to him... I miss him so much... So I am excited about him coming back... I guess we're just going to have to rethink our plans and maybe just see how things work out... :) i almost cried when we discussed it... I am so lucky

Christmas stuff

Merry Christmas to me..... Can u be down on one knee? Am I asking too much? I'll settle for near.... Kind of lonely over here.... Witnessing love all around.... Where kisses abound.... Enough to cause tears behind hidden fears... So i'll smile and play nice and absorb all advice "love comes when your not looking" "men love a woman's cooking" and deep down inside i take it in stride... Without him by my side wanting hearts to collide.... Charcoals and paper, drawing from memories that taper.... They won't fade away, no matter how much I pray.... And smile and give thanks on this Christmas Day.

tis the season...

yeah I took a hiatus from blogging... work is pretty cool.... my birthday is around the corner... finished the majority of my christmas shopping... had a blast shopping for my honey... man, i can't even lie, it sucks without him here... so many little things I'd love for him to be around for.... i just love this time of year... he asked what I wanted for christmas... realistically I just want to cuddle on the couch with him and watch A Christmas Story and just be near him...

that's all i really want.... :)

New Job

Got an awesome new job... It's a contract job so I hope it lasts a little while. :) had a really cool first day and then got to talk to my honey. He's so great. I was so sad to hear he got some really bad news and it amazes me how he holds things together until he's ready to deal. That strength is truly amazing. He made me laugh.... Quite a few times... Very hard. He makes me laugh and glow while he's dealing with some real hard stuff. How lucky am I to have a man like that in my life? I miss him terribly. Good days bad days blah days they all feel weird.... I just want to lay my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat and his voice from there.... Where I felt like there was only us two on earth.... :) prayers for his family.... And him.... XOXO
Be good to each other... Love.

thankful...

yeah yeah, I'm a terrible blogger... whatever... lol
I had an amazing thanksgiving... truly I did... I got to spend alot of time with the fam, great food... really amazing food actually... and lots of laughs... and i even got a text from the guy I adore being randomly sweet and appreciative of me. the only thing that could have possibly made it any better for me would have been if he had been sitting beside me. here's some pics...

yummy salad my brother's girlfriend made... tasty...


 the spread.....
below: the empanadas... it took me three attempts to get them right...

 my dog mad as hell she was getting a bath.. don't worry she was bathed before we deep cleaned the kitchen for thanksgiving cooking...
 brother pretending....
 oh this was the white dog before her bath... lol

anyways besides all that.. I was just really in a fabulous mood... seriously.. the text... it wasn't much but it was more than enough... I really do appreciate the smallest things... :) y'all be good this week.. nothing too crazy..I'm praying for this job to call me back so I can start there... and quit the other place! lol 

conversations....

so finally talked to this guy.... and had an amazing conversation... and at the end of everything I realized nothing had been clarified... at least not for me. I told him exactly how I felt... and it was nice to get it all out.. . therapeutic even...and it all ended with.... yeah that's cool but not right now... so then the real questions I had got sidetracked by the actual conversation... and I feel that no matter what i say part of me is gonna wait for him... so that sucks. I mean dating isn't something I am gonna just stop doing but it feels pointless when everyone gets compared to him. and nobody is... and when I go to kiss someone it feels wrong. and that sucks ass... I was kicking it with an old friend and him and I are really comfortable around each other but I stopped and thought it's not the same... and left... and on the way home my chest hurt thinking about how much I need to do to get over the other guy... so much mess.... but I mean he'll get home and then things go back to me just being disappointed in English.... so... screwed... regardless... still thinking that some way some how things will work out just like I want them to... we'll see.... if everything that I addressed today goes back to being crappy then i know it's time to let it go... for real...

Expressions

Take it all with my love....

Acknowledge your feeling for me, while also calming my fears....

So I had to work over night last night, yeah it's a lot but it is almost over :) so I'm with my coworker he's a couple years older than me, attractive and friendly. Very helpful and nice guy and we've been working on the project for a while... So we've become friends. He's nice, not my type at all which is awesome since he's married and I'm worried about someone else completely... But I am very confused about something very weird. See I normally hardly ever wear makeup but had started wearing it on a semi regular basis. I'd get hit on occasionally but nothing big, so not really purposely I stopped wearing it all together out of sheer laziness and you woulda thought I had a sign on me saying free dates. I mean like some serious attention was being given... So I ask previously described coworker what gives?? He said that it was easy I was ruining my face with makeup (he was joking) LOL but seriously that I was more intimidating with it on.... What??? Guys are weird.
In the meantime I've been such a brat to my honeybun but it sucks he's been busy and I'm getting date offers like crazy. This is when I need to be reassured that I'm not in this alone. The dates aren't a big deal to pass on but if he's too busy to show me love then it makes me wonder what I'm waiting for..... I do adore him.... Completely. I just need to feel it.... That he's missing me like I am him..... Reassure me. Because it's scary without him.... And I will wait if I know I'm not doing it in vain....

Dreaming...

Selena did it best.... "Cause there's no where in the world I'd rather be, than here in your arms dreaming of you endlessly". His arms.
So I've been working like crazy... I need to get my tail to the passport office this week because my goal from January was to have my passport by my birthday... I haven't heard from him in a week.... But have heard from a few who would like to be him.... I've just chilled.... School and work.... Until he's back... I have walked it through in my mind a million times... Jumping into his arms and not letting go until he damn near drops me... :) strange how a week doesn't seem so long in retrospect.... But its all apart of being taught patience... I am learning.... xoxo night

new picture...

so I had a super fun halloween, and have been super busy working lately... I put up a cute picture of him and I on my twitter... tons of comments about it.... I love it.... I miss him terribly... especially when it's cold.... I just want to be in his arms, where it's warm.... and safe... and happy.....

Wake up...

Up late last night.... Brain would not turn off! Damn... So let's go in on something different.... I haven't done a "random things that make me smile" entry since I had this blog... Here goes:

1. When I remember all the words to a song that's fast... I.e. "big pimpin" :) I get this intense feeling of being a bad ass....

2. Pumpkin pie ice cream. But you still need to add kool whip.

3. Having my hair washed at the salon... It feels like heaven to have someone wash my hair.... They always do it better than I can...

4. Waking up to random texts from someone I'm really feeling.... That makes me smile.... Nice to know I'm on your mind, and I didn't have to exert effort to put myself there...

5. All 90's music. Period.

That's enough for today.... What randomly makes you smile?? XOXO

frustrations...

so i had a meeting at work and it somehow ended up in a yelling match with this ignorant woman... she helped me remember something though... this is definitely not my career.... I hate it there... for the most part.... some of the stuff is cool... my direct managers are pretty bad ass.... but other than that... I just can't wait to get my degree... wave it around... and pull that famous jerry mcguire exit.... lmao.... I've only done the fuck you guys exit once before... and ... may i say, it was GLORIOUS.... executed so perfectly... like an opera... just breathtaking... I can not wait until part 2.... lol.... anyways....

kind of trying to get myself prepared for the disappointment that i feel is going to happen in a few weeks... like part of me is dying to jump into his arms... and the logical part is like hmmm he isn't really giving me any reason to think things are going to be different that last time... stood up, broken promises, just inconsiderate altogether... but it's more like 85-15 here... so the largest part is definitely hopeful.... someday the logical part will gain the upperhand... but until then... :) I'll just focus on these daydreams... and if there is anything that I have learned during my numerous years of dating it's that you can't lose hope for anyone... because it's when you do that love loses hope in you... and we can't have that... I need to carry on these gorgeous genes I was blessed with.... and though there is a slight chance he's not the one (and I mean slight because I adore him) he does have some great genes to contribute as well... LOL... I'm just saying... I'm not crazy picking baby names or anything extra like that... but I'm 26 I have to keep things like that in the back of my mind.. how can I not think of that... lol.. that's fine... anyways I hope he is everything I need...even if he isn't doing like I want... lmbo... I can handle his distant nature... if he can make his feelings known... felt... even if he's not good at expressing them I need to feel them.... thats all...

oh and that dummy at work can kick rocks!... BIG ONES! I'm happiest when spiting people by bettering myself... 

the wonder years...

absolutely engulfed in the netflix marathon of The Wonder Years I am having... I love the innocence of it all...

it's masking what's really on my mind... I miss him so much.... he might be back sooner than I thought... I want him to be back... alot... but I know he's gonna be kinda miserable... not about me.. lol... I'm sure that part will be great but I feel like his gonna be sad to be stuck in Houston when he wants to be working across the world... and I just want to be where his is lol... it's funny but I see it like this... I'm young and in school... yeah work is fun.. but I want to see this develop... maybe it will, maybe it won't but either way it's like something growing that just needs a little sun, water... and whatever plants eat... wait... dirt? I'm saying that a relationship I want just needs dirt? yeah sure... that's what plants eat right? jk... I am no botanist but you know what I mean... it would be nice to have him around for holidays... (mostly thanksgiving, christmas is weird for me) I think christmas is weird because it's the day before my birthday... I'm not really a good gift accepter...if that's a thing... I just have this thing about getting gifts from guys... I feel like the more unique and sentimental it is, the better... like yeah anybody can spend money... but someone who would get me something silly but special to me would be better... uhmm lets see.. I had a bar guest get me Spurs tickets once... that was the most thoughtful thing ever... yeah they were like in the rafters but I care not! It was truly a thoughtful gift... my brother once got me a light up markerboard toy thing... THAT was sooo cool! I almost cried (later when he wasn't looking lol) it was amazing to me how well my brother knows me...

so anyways I still want him around... I feel like I'm being selfish wanting him back... but I do.. and I guess I am.... I actually want to show him I can cook.. I mean he's got a huge appetite... lol I'd love to do the family thing and whatnot... my family seems to ask about him alot... it's kinda of weird...I mean for a person they've only met like once, they sure do ask about the guy more than most of the people in my life who they see quite frequently... I wonder why... maybe it's because my eyes truly light up when they ask about him... and they tear up at the thought of him being so far... and the idea that he might not be as worried about me as I am about him... I guess it's just a lot to think about.... It's alot for anyone to think about... I mean I keep passing on dates, and outing with other guys... and I try and convince myself it's not about him.... that I'm not "waiting" for him... but its kind of hard to deny the obvious.. but it's not really "waiting" persay... it's more of I don't want to date someone else... when my mind is all wrapped up in him... and I light up at his name, his message, and the memory of him... errrr... lol yeah... anyways

I guess it just sucks when the one thing you want most, is the thing that will probably make the other person most unhappy... this is where I throw my feelings aside and just wish his happiness... and I do... for the most part... I just want to be apart of that happiness....

show me...

sometimes I just need to know..... that you are absolutely missing me more than I am you.... that you are not ignoring me for a reason.... and mostly that I am important to you... that's it....

movie... makes you think....

watching this movie for colored girls... it's so beautifully executed.... I understand the pain... the heartache... the trials... everyone understands... this relates to all.... someone close to you... you know that pain.. sitting there with so much hurt in your heart that nothing can ease... nothing can fix...

randomly he told he I was unnecessarily over dramatic... not true... but I am just not happy with you... you don't make me light up... or the way his touch makes my whole body tremble.... you aren't the one... and will never be... and I'm sorry but you call and I wish it was him... you text and my disappointment is never seen... but I feel that when you are near you feel it.... you feel how I just feel uncomfortable when you are near.... I just miss him.. and need him.... and wish he was around... maybe someday he will be closer... I adore him... and you.. I just like to have around... and that's the worst kind of person I could be... I hate that person... I just miss me... when I was with him...

"my love is too vibrant to have thrown back in my face"

Muscles...

Gym tonight was fun... Err... It was... Productive? Fun is definitely giving it too much credit... Plus my guy seriously lacks eye candy... But I guess that's probably good....

Strength I need more than anything... I don't do well with not feeling like a priority.... But truthfully I don't do well with being a priority so I guess it's a vicious cycle... I am thinking baton rouge for Halloween.... Or Dallas.... Ugh. Idk. I need to get away for a while... Nothing makes me happier than a long drive with some awesome music... And my thoughts.

Speaking of thoughts... It's getting cold outside.... I always wanted to be snowed in with someone to keep me warm.... Kinda far fetched in Houston right? LOL .... A girl can dream right? Dreams.... Had a very... Vivid... Dream about this guy... Only thing I thought was... He's constantly on my mind.... Get out of my dreams!! LOL... Then I smiled... Oh well... Date night with my girls tomorrow... Exciting! :)

Xo's... And wish me luck... My arms are already aching LOL....

Adele.... Lyrics that make me smile...

Lyrics to One And Only :

You've been on my mind I grow fonder every day loose myselfintime Just thinking of your face God only knows Why it's taking me so long to let my doubts go You're the only one that I want I don't know why I'm scared, I've beenhere before Every feeling every word,I've imagineditall, You never know if you never tried to forgive your past And simply be mine I dare you to let me be all, the one and only Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms So come on and give me the chance To prove up I'm the one who can Walk them miles Until the air starts ... on your mind You hang on every word I say,lose yourselfintime At the mention of my name, will I ever love How it feels to hold you close And have you tell me which ever roadI choseyou'll go I don't know why I'm scared, I've beenhere before Every feeling every word,I've imagineditall, You never know if you never tried to forgive your past And simply be mine I dare you to let me be all, the one and only I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms So come on and give me the chance To prove up I'm the one who can Walk them miles until the air starts I know it ain't easy Giving up your heart I know it ain't easy Giving up your heart Nobody's perfect, it ain't easy, trust me I've given up your heart Nobody's perfect, it ain't easy, trust me I've given up your heart I know it ain't easy Giving up your heart Nobody's perfect, it ain't easy, trust me I've given up your heart So I dare you to let me be all, the one and only I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms So come on and give me the chance To prove up I'm the one who can Walk them miles until the air starts Come and give me the chance To prove that I'm the one who can Walk them miles until the air starts

Almost Lover

I stumbled upon this song on pandora.... it really speaks to me... it makes me smile and sigh and wonder -- if all these people I thought I loved weren't actually love then what is it really gonna be like? I woke up to a text continuation of yesterday's conversation.... I wanted to know so much more than my mind would allow me to ask.... I think I was more scared to find out the answers... my mind races... screaming silently... "tell me you miss me!!!" "tell me you wake up and I'm the first thing on your mind!!" make my whole day with a goofy picture you took just for me... I'm not asking alot... mostly because I'm not asking... lol I know guys always say they're not mind readers... and that's cool... I'd never expect him to be... it would be nice to know I'm on his mind... but I guess the fact that he text me at all is evidence of that.... I know... asking for alot.... though not really asking... this is the recipe for resentment... kind of hoping that somehow when I see him again... (I'm so tempted to add "if I see him again" to that, out of sheer overdramatics lol) like I was saying, when I see him again I'm hoping that I'll know everything that I need to know about his feelings for me when I am in his arms feeling it first hand... (and no, I didn't mean "it" as being a penis lol... though now that I think about it....lol I digress) anyways... I was just thinking about how great it would be to go see him and spend time... ughhh good night... here's the music that got me thinking...