this is definitely something I am good at... It takes a lot for me to not forgive someone.... I just understand I don't need this hate in my heart. my heart needs to be free. but for what? I'm not too sure. I stopped doing alot of things that I liked, that made me someone I didn't want to be. So I changed. not as easy as it sounds. I just needed some time to get back to me. I'm kind of getting to the point where I've had quite enough me time... now back to the real world.... it's hard to jump back in. a lot of what I was doing was focused around who I was with... and I can't have all that I don't trust myself drunk.... I don't know who I want to be around.... I feel like this blog has become quite whiny lately and for that I apologize... I'll jump back into the crazy world that I usually lead sometime soon.
I think I just need a little boost out of my slump... and I'm sure I'll get back there soon... have a great evening....
Friday, September 23, 2011
betrayal.... and building....
this morning after class I went to help rebuild a house that belonged to a veteran. He was an older gentleman... so nice though, just amazed that all these people are up on their days off and completely overlhauling his home. we put in new siding, windows, a fresh coat of paint over everything, it was a real project! so much hard work! It was 90 degrees and not a cloud in sight... but when I left I felt great. I haven't done any type of just community service since my sorority days in college! (the first time lol) so that's the building part, let's get the to the betrayal....
A couple of months ago I heard about this awesome job that I would have loved to have. This job wasn't like a dream job, but it was a great job with awesome benefits that I would have just really enjoyed. I told a really good friend about it. Now let's pause and talk about this friend. This friend and I have been friends since around fall of 2000, through all our ups and downs we've been close. This friend has been out of work, and out of state until recently. While out of work and out of state, I would send money, and pretty much whatever I could do to help. Even now that this friend is working I would do all I could to help, I invite them out all the time, I always drive, spending my gas, time and money to try and get her out of the house, to have fun and go out and just enjoy spending time together. After a few years, things have become so very one sided. I mean things have been kind of ridiculous. So one afternoon, they hit me up and ask me if I want to go to lunch, I politely decline as I am at work, and running low on funds. This friend says oh it's on me... which is already a surprise, I think to myself, well that's nice, after all those years of me paying, they are finally going to pay for a meal, that's pretty cool. So I am like cool. what time because I had 30 more minutes of work. This friend says, oh I'm almost done, I was already here when I first text you. WTF?! why even call? because you were already eating and decided you looked lonely so I should drop everything and just rush over to catch you in mid-meal? What kind of lame idea was that? but, I digress, let me get back to the job. So I learned about this opportunity and told them that the only way to get this job is to basically check the online postings everyday. So that particular week I had been really swamped with work and school and as much as I wanted that other job I just hadn't checked the website. So I get a text from this friend saying to check the website and that the job posting is up, I immediately check it, (like literally within seconds of the text) and there are no postings for that job, I was like what the hell?? I guess they must have pulled it, I was disappointed but I figured that it was just my bad luck that I missed it. So a couple weeks later they're headed to training, meanwhile our friendship is the same. Then they start going on about how much they wish I would have gotten hired too... so many annoying details... all this just to find out that they knew about the posting and waited 3days, to tell me about it.... After I put them on that job, and after everything I had done.... I haven't lost faith in friendships. I just know that I need to quit mistaking longevity for loyalty. regardless, I will still keep that person in my prayers, those i no longer need them in my life.
I will definitely just spend more time on school and working to make my goals happen, regardless of those who may be more worried about their best interests. i keep lookin at this picture... of how friendship used to be... and then I stop and ask myself why would someone keep me so close just to judge, and wish me ill... i guess that's just life... but frienamies I do not need.
moving on.... also planning to get my passport pics done tomorrow... still no clue where I'm going but it will be empowering just to have it....
so all in all... I feel like today was a win, I found out who my real friends are, and I helped rebuild the home of an american hero... that's definitely a win....
A couple of months ago I heard about this awesome job that I would have loved to have. This job wasn't like a dream job, but it was a great job with awesome benefits that I would have just really enjoyed. I told a really good friend about it. Now let's pause and talk about this friend. This friend and I have been friends since around fall of 2000, through all our ups and downs we've been close. This friend has been out of work, and out of state until recently. While out of work and out of state, I would send money, and pretty much whatever I could do to help. Even now that this friend is working I would do all I could to help, I invite them out all the time, I always drive, spending my gas, time and money to try and get her out of the house, to have fun and go out and just enjoy spending time together. After a few years, things have become so very one sided. I mean things have been kind of ridiculous. So one afternoon, they hit me up and ask me if I want to go to lunch, I politely decline as I am at work, and running low on funds. This friend says oh it's on me... which is already a surprise, I think to myself, well that's nice, after all those years of me paying, they are finally going to pay for a meal, that's pretty cool. So I am like cool. what time because I had 30 more minutes of work. This friend says, oh I'm almost done, I was already here when I first text you. WTF?! why even call? because you were already eating and decided you looked lonely so I should drop everything and just rush over to catch you in mid-meal? What kind of lame idea was that? but, I digress, let me get back to the job. So I learned about this opportunity and told them that the only way to get this job is to basically check the online postings everyday. So that particular week I had been really swamped with work and school and as much as I wanted that other job I just hadn't checked the website. So I get a text from this friend saying to check the website and that the job posting is up, I immediately check it, (like literally within seconds of the text) and there are no postings for that job, I was like what the hell?? I guess they must have pulled it, I was disappointed but I figured that it was just my bad luck that I missed it. So a couple weeks later they're headed to training, meanwhile our friendship is the same. Then they start going on about how much they wish I would have gotten hired too... so many annoying details... all this just to find out that they knew about the posting and waited 3days, to tell me about it.... After I put them on that job, and after everything I had done.... I haven't lost faith in friendships. I just know that I need to quit mistaking longevity for loyalty. regardless, I will still keep that person in my prayers, those i no longer need them in my life.
I will definitely just spend more time on school and working to make my goals happen, regardless of those who may be more worried about their best interests. i keep lookin at this picture... of how friendship used to be... and then I stop and ask myself why would someone keep me so close just to judge, and wish me ill... i guess that's just life... but frienamies I do not need.
moving on.... also planning to get my passport pics done tomorrow... still no clue where I'm going but it will be empowering just to have it....
so all in all... I feel like today was a win, I found out who my real friends are, and I helped rebuild the home of an american hero... that's definitely a win....
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Sweet thang...
Don't ya know your my everything??? Not so serious tho.
But he crosses my mind everyday tho...
And it's making me wonder how many other females feel the same... About him tho...
Long day ahead..... Still he's running through my mind.... Missing him tho...
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