Christmas stuff

Merry Christmas to me..... Can u be down on one knee? Am I asking too much? I'll settle for near.... Kind of lonely over here.... Witnessing love all around.... Where kisses abound.... Enough to cause tears behind hidden fears... So i'll smile and play nice and absorb all advice "love comes when your not looking" "men love a woman's cooking" and deep down inside i take it in stride... Without him by my side wanting hearts to collide.... Charcoals and paper, drawing from memories that taper.... They won't fade away, no matter how much I pray.... And smile and give thanks on this Christmas Day.

tis the season...

yeah I took a hiatus from blogging... work is pretty cool.... my birthday is around the corner... finished the majority of my christmas shopping... had a blast shopping for my honey... man, i can't even lie, it sucks without him here... so many little things I'd love for him to be around for.... i just love this time of year... he asked what I wanted for christmas... realistically I just want to cuddle on the couch with him and watch A Christmas Story and just be near him...

that's all i really want.... :)

New Job

Got an awesome new job... It's a contract job so I hope it lasts a little while. :) had a really cool first day and then got to talk to my honey. He's so great. I was so sad to hear he got some really bad news and it amazes me how he holds things together until he's ready to deal. That strength is truly amazing. He made me laugh.... Quite a few times... Very hard. He makes me laugh and glow while he's dealing with some real hard stuff. How lucky am I to have a man like that in my life? I miss him terribly. Good days bad days blah days they all feel weird.... I just want to lay my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat and his voice from there.... Where I felt like there was only us two on earth.... :) prayers for his family.... And him.... XOXO
Be good to each other... Love.

thankful...

yeah yeah, I'm a terrible blogger... whatever... lol
I had an amazing thanksgiving... truly I did... I got to spend alot of time with the fam, great food... really amazing food actually... and lots of laughs... and i even got a text from the guy I adore being randomly sweet and appreciative of me. the only thing that could have possibly made it any better for me would have been if he had been sitting beside me. here's some pics...

yummy salad my brother's girlfriend made... tasty...


 the spread.....
below: the empanadas... it took me three attempts to get them right...

 my dog mad as hell she was getting a bath.. don't worry she was bathed before we deep cleaned the kitchen for thanksgiving cooking...
 brother pretending....
 oh this was the white dog before her bath... lol

anyways besides all that.. I was just really in a fabulous mood... seriously.. the text... it wasn't much but it was more than enough... I really do appreciate the smallest things... :) y'all be good this week.. nothing too crazy..I'm praying for this job to call me back so I can start there... and quit the other place! lol 

conversations....

so finally talked to this guy.... and had an amazing conversation... and at the end of everything I realized nothing had been clarified... at least not for me. I told him exactly how I felt... and it was nice to get it all out.. . therapeutic even...and it all ended with.... yeah that's cool but not right now... so then the real questions I had got sidetracked by the actual conversation... and I feel that no matter what i say part of me is gonna wait for him... so that sucks. I mean dating isn't something I am gonna just stop doing but it feels pointless when everyone gets compared to him. and nobody is... and when I go to kiss someone it feels wrong. and that sucks ass... I was kicking it with an old friend and him and I are really comfortable around each other but I stopped and thought it's not the same... and left... and on the way home my chest hurt thinking about how much I need to do to get over the other guy... so much mess.... but I mean he'll get home and then things go back to me just being disappointed in English.... so... screwed... regardless... still thinking that some way some how things will work out just like I want them to... we'll see.... if everything that I addressed today goes back to being crappy then i know it's time to let it go... for real...

Expressions

Take it all with my love....

Acknowledge your feeling for me, while also calming my fears....

So I had to work over night last night, yeah it's a lot but it is almost over :) so I'm with my coworker he's a couple years older than me, attractive and friendly. Very helpful and nice guy and we've been working on the project for a while... So we've become friends. He's nice, not my type at all which is awesome since he's married and I'm worried about someone else completely... But I am very confused about something very weird. See I normally hardly ever wear makeup but had started wearing it on a semi regular basis. I'd get hit on occasionally but nothing big, so not really purposely I stopped wearing it all together out of sheer laziness and you woulda thought I had a sign on me saying free dates. I mean like some serious attention was being given... So I ask previously described coworker what gives?? He said that it was easy I was ruining my face with makeup (he was joking) LOL but seriously that I was more intimidating with it on.... What??? Guys are weird.
In the meantime I've been such a brat to my honeybun but it sucks he's been busy and I'm getting date offers like crazy. This is when I need to be reassured that I'm not in this alone. The dates aren't a big deal to pass on but if he's too busy to show me love then it makes me wonder what I'm waiting for..... I do adore him.... Completely. I just need to feel it.... That he's missing me like I am him..... Reassure me. Because it's scary without him.... And I will wait if I know I'm not doing it in vain....

Dreaming...

Selena did it best.... "Cause there's no where in the world I'd rather be, than here in your arms dreaming of you endlessly". His arms.
So I've been working like crazy... I need to get my tail to the passport office this week because my goal from January was to have my passport by my birthday... I haven't heard from him in a week.... But have heard from a few who would like to be him.... I've just chilled.... School and work.... Until he's back... I have walked it through in my mind a million times... Jumping into his arms and not letting go until he damn near drops me... :) strange how a week doesn't seem so long in retrospect.... But its all apart of being taught patience... I am learning.... xoxo night

new picture...

so I had a super fun halloween, and have been super busy working lately... I put up a cute picture of him and I on my twitter... tons of comments about it.... I love it.... I miss him terribly... especially when it's cold.... I just want to be in his arms, where it's warm.... and safe... and happy.....

Wake up...

Up late last night.... Brain would not turn off! Damn... So let's go in on something different.... I haven't done a "random things that make me smile" entry since I had this blog... Here goes:

1. When I remember all the words to a song that's fast... I.e. "big pimpin" :) I get this intense feeling of being a bad ass....

2. Pumpkin pie ice cream. But you still need to add kool whip.

3. Having my hair washed at the salon... It feels like heaven to have someone wash my hair.... They always do it better than I can...

4. Waking up to random texts from someone I'm really feeling.... That makes me smile.... Nice to know I'm on your mind, and I didn't have to exert effort to put myself there...

5. All 90's music. Period.

That's enough for today.... What randomly makes you smile?? XOXO

frustrations...

so i had a meeting at work and it somehow ended up in a yelling match with this ignorant woman... she helped me remember something though... this is definitely not my career.... I hate it there... for the most part.... some of the stuff is cool... my direct managers are pretty bad ass.... but other than that... I just can't wait to get my degree... wave it around... and pull that famous jerry mcguire exit.... lmao.... I've only done the fuck you guys exit once before... and ... may i say, it was GLORIOUS.... executed so perfectly... like an opera... just breathtaking... I can not wait until part 2.... lol.... anyways....

kind of trying to get myself prepared for the disappointment that i feel is going to happen in a few weeks... like part of me is dying to jump into his arms... and the logical part is like hmmm he isn't really giving me any reason to think things are going to be different that last time... stood up, broken promises, just inconsiderate altogether... but it's more like 85-15 here... so the largest part is definitely hopeful.... someday the logical part will gain the upperhand... but until then... :) I'll just focus on these daydreams... and if there is anything that I have learned during my numerous years of dating it's that you can't lose hope for anyone... because it's when you do that love loses hope in you... and we can't have that... I need to carry on these gorgeous genes I was blessed with.... and though there is a slight chance he's not the one (and I mean slight because I adore him) he does have some great genes to contribute as well... LOL... I'm just saying... I'm not crazy picking baby names or anything extra like that... but I'm 26 I have to keep things like that in the back of my mind.. how can I not think of that... lol.. that's fine... anyways I hope he is everything I need...even if he isn't doing like I want... lmbo... I can handle his distant nature... if he can make his feelings known... felt... even if he's not good at expressing them I need to feel them.... thats all...

oh and that dummy at work can kick rocks!... BIG ONES! I'm happiest when spiting people by bettering myself... 

the wonder years...

absolutely engulfed in the netflix marathon of The Wonder Years I am having... I love the innocence of it all...

it's masking what's really on my mind... I miss him so much.... he might be back sooner than I thought... I want him to be back... alot... but I know he's gonna be kinda miserable... not about me.. lol... I'm sure that part will be great but I feel like his gonna be sad to be stuck in Houston when he wants to be working across the world... and I just want to be where his is lol... it's funny but I see it like this... I'm young and in school... yeah work is fun.. but I want to see this develop... maybe it will, maybe it won't but either way it's like something growing that just needs a little sun, water... and whatever plants eat... wait... dirt? I'm saying that a relationship I want just needs dirt? yeah sure... that's what plants eat right? jk... I am no botanist but you know what I mean... it would be nice to have him around for holidays... (mostly thanksgiving, christmas is weird for me) I think christmas is weird because it's the day before my birthday... I'm not really a good gift accepter...if that's a thing... I just have this thing about getting gifts from guys... I feel like the more unique and sentimental it is, the better... like yeah anybody can spend money... but someone who would get me something silly but special to me would be better... uhmm lets see.. I had a bar guest get me Spurs tickets once... that was the most thoughtful thing ever... yeah they were like in the rafters but I care not! It was truly a thoughtful gift... my brother once got me a light up markerboard toy thing... THAT was sooo cool! I almost cried (later when he wasn't looking lol) it was amazing to me how well my brother knows me...

so anyways I still want him around... I feel like I'm being selfish wanting him back... but I do.. and I guess I am.... I actually want to show him I can cook.. I mean he's got a huge appetite... lol I'd love to do the family thing and whatnot... my family seems to ask about him alot... it's kinda of weird...I mean for a person they've only met like once, they sure do ask about the guy more than most of the people in my life who they see quite frequently... I wonder why... maybe it's because my eyes truly light up when they ask about him... and they tear up at the thought of him being so far... and the idea that he might not be as worried about me as I am about him... I guess it's just a lot to think about.... It's alot for anyone to think about... I mean I keep passing on dates, and outing with other guys... and I try and convince myself it's not about him.... that I'm not "waiting" for him... but its kind of hard to deny the obvious.. but it's not really "waiting" persay... it's more of I don't want to date someone else... when my mind is all wrapped up in him... and I light up at his name, his message, and the memory of him... errrr... lol yeah... anyways

I guess it just sucks when the one thing you want most, is the thing that will probably make the other person most unhappy... this is where I throw my feelings aside and just wish his happiness... and I do... for the most part... I just want to be apart of that happiness....

show me...

sometimes I just need to know..... that you are absolutely missing me more than I am you.... that you are not ignoring me for a reason.... and mostly that I am important to you... that's it....

movie... makes you think....

watching this movie for colored girls... it's so beautifully executed.... I understand the pain... the heartache... the trials... everyone understands... this relates to all.... someone close to you... you know that pain.. sitting there with so much hurt in your heart that nothing can ease... nothing can fix...

randomly he told he I was unnecessarily over dramatic... not true... but I am just not happy with you... you don't make me light up... or the way his touch makes my whole body tremble.... you aren't the one... and will never be... and I'm sorry but you call and I wish it was him... you text and my disappointment is never seen... but I feel that when you are near you feel it.... you feel how I just feel uncomfortable when you are near.... I just miss him.. and need him.... and wish he was around... maybe someday he will be closer... I adore him... and you.. I just like to have around... and that's the worst kind of person I could be... I hate that person... I just miss me... when I was with him...

"my love is too vibrant to have thrown back in my face"

Muscles...

Gym tonight was fun... Err... It was... Productive? Fun is definitely giving it too much credit... Plus my guy seriously lacks eye candy... But I guess that's probably good....

Strength I need more than anything... I don't do well with not feeling like a priority.... But truthfully I don't do well with being a priority so I guess it's a vicious cycle... I am thinking baton rouge for Halloween.... Or Dallas.... Ugh. Idk. I need to get away for a while... Nothing makes me happier than a long drive with some awesome music... And my thoughts.

Speaking of thoughts... It's getting cold outside.... I always wanted to be snowed in with someone to keep me warm.... Kinda far fetched in Houston right? LOL .... A girl can dream right? Dreams.... Had a very... Vivid... Dream about this guy... Only thing I thought was... He's constantly on my mind.... Get out of my dreams!! LOL... Then I smiled... Oh well... Date night with my girls tomorrow... Exciting! :)

Xo's... And wish me luck... My arms are already aching LOL....

Adele.... Lyrics that make me smile...

Lyrics to One And Only :

You've been on my mind I grow fonder every day loose myselfintime Just thinking of your face God only knows Why it's taking me so long to let my doubts go You're the only one that I want I don't know why I'm scared, I've beenhere before Every feeling every word,I've imagineditall, You never know if you never tried to forgive your past And simply be mine I dare you to let me be all, the one and only Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms So come on and give me the chance To prove up I'm the one who can Walk them miles Until the air starts ... on your mind You hang on every word I say,lose yourselfintime At the mention of my name, will I ever love How it feels to hold you close And have you tell me which ever roadI choseyou'll go I don't know why I'm scared, I've beenhere before Every feeling every word,I've imagineditall, You never know if you never tried to forgive your past And simply be mine I dare you to let me be all, the one and only I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms So come on and give me the chance To prove up I'm the one who can Walk them miles until the air starts I know it ain't easy Giving up your heart I know it ain't easy Giving up your heart Nobody's perfect, it ain't easy, trust me I've given up your heart Nobody's perfect, it ain't easy, trust me I've given up your heart I know it ain't easy Giving up your heart Nobody's perfect, it ain't easy, trust me I've given up your heart So I dare you to let me be all, the one and only I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms So come on and give me the chance To prove up I'm the one who can Walk them miles until the air starts Come and give me the chance To prove that I'm the one who can Walk them miles until the air starts

Almost Lover

I stumbled upon this song on pandora.... it really speaks to me... it makes me smile and sigh and wonder -- if all these people I thought I loved weren't actually love then what is it really gonna be like? I woke up to a text continuation of yesterday's conversation.... I wanted to know so much more than my mind would allow me to ask.... I think I was more scared to find out the answers... my mind races... screaming silently... "tell me you miss me!!!" "tell me you wake up and I'm the first thing on your mind!!" make my whole day with a goofy picture you took just for me... I'm not asking alot... mostly because I'm not asking... lol I know guys always say they're not mind readers... and that's cool... I'd never expect him to be... it would be nice to know I'm on his mind... but I guess the fact that he text me at all is evidence of that.... I know... asking for alot.... though not really asking... this is the recipe for resentment... kind of hoping that somehow when I see him again... (I'm so tempted to add "if I see him again" to that, out of sheer overdramatics lol) like I was saying, when I see him again I'm hoping that I'll know everything that I need to know about his feelings for me when I am in his arms feeling it first hand... (and no, I didn't mean "it" as being a penis lol... though now that I think about it....lol I digress) anyways... I was just thinking about how great it would be to go see him and spend time... ughhh good night... here's the music that got me thinking...

Babyface - Soon As I Get Home

p.s...

I love "Our Family Wedding" smdh... I kno I kno... "you would." wtf ever... the guy is hot and it makes me smile to think that my family is so awesome and accepting... well the ones in Houston are... lmbo

pretty girls...

there's so much more to a pretty girl... not to sound conceited but I had a few run-ins with the term... but I had an "Ah ha" moment today while running errands for work with a coworker... She's a really pretty lady.... early 30's and she was telling me about her and her fiance' and I must admit when I first saw him I was less than impressed... but that's always been me, so concerened with appearances that I never really stop and think about what I may be passing up... this is so true... and then this weird thing happened... where I find this guy so irresistably attractive, though nothing like what I would think... but if someone is so attractive to you... how could you even question or worry about what other people think? Truth is that she is happy with her man, they knew each other way back in high school... that part made me smile... I was happy to see how great she was feeling about this guy... and how they are trying for kids and wow... it was just inspiring.. cause at some point I'll stop being scared of kids and maybe want one... a cute one... lol anyways.... just random thoughts today... It was ironic to me that at the exact moment she was telling me about how terrible her ex husband was and I get a text from this guy... this guy I adore... this guy i miss terribly... and all the pieces came together.... and I don't know what is on his mind... or how he feels about anything... and it's not something I know how to approch him about... cause frankly I don't want to deal with the possiblities it holds... so anyways... I guess it's back to me... dating is lame... at least I have friends that like to kick it... never a date tho... lol

Ignored...

I don't know what's going on.... Wait yes I do... Once I finally get this guy out of the picture... Out of mind and heart, the only other guy I want to see is ignoring me!! :( not questioning my decision tho... The guy who's out is growing into someone I can not tolerate.... Disrespectful, mean, pushy and all around not enough man for me... 
However I'm quickly running out of patience all together with both.... A little more me time is seriously needed.... A little less missing him, and a little more getting back to me.... Cause the truth is I need neither of them..... But I'd like one of them.... I mean I knew it would suck when he left but I need a little more than he's giving me.... :(

Lyrics- "Mientes" by Camila.... (W/ translation)

Mientes

Tu ,llegaste a mi vida para enseñarme Tu,supiste encenderme y luego apagarme Tu,te hiciste indispensable para mi

Con los ojos cerrados te segui Si yo busque dolor lo consegui No eres la persona que pense Que crei y que perdii

Coro: Mientes me haces daño y luego te arrepientes Ya no tiene caso que lo intentes No me quedan ganas de sentir Llegas cuando estoy a punto de olvidarte Busca tu camino en otra parte Mientras busco el tiempo que perdi Hoy estoy mejor sin ti

Voy,de nuevo recordando lo que soy

Sabiendo lo que das y lo que doy Y el camino que buscaste para ti Y el tiempo es solo suyo y comprendi Las cosas no son siempre porque si no eres la persona que pense que crei, que perdi

CORO

Y hoy estoy mejor sin ti Llegas cuando estoy a punto de olvidarte Busca tu camino en otra parte Mientras busco el tiempo que perdi hoy estoy mejor sin ti hoy estoy mejor sin ti hoy estoy mejor sin ti

English-You lie

You, came into my life to teach me you, knew how to turn me on then turn me out you, made yourself indispensable to me

And, with my eyes closed I followed you if I looked for pain that's what I got youre not the person who I thought u were, who I believed, who I lost

(chorus) you lie, you hurt me and later you regret it now there is no point in you trying I don't have it in me to feel And now you arrive as soon as I'm about to forget you look for your path somewhere else while I look for the time that I lost since today I am better off without you

Today, once again remembering who I am knowing what you give and what I give in me there is no space for you and time did it's thing and I understood things don't happen just because. youre not the person who I thought u were, who I believed, who I lost

(chorus) you lie, you hurt me and later you regret it now there is no point in you trying I don't have it in me to feel

And now you arrive as soon as I'm about to forget you look for your path somewhere else while I look for the time that I lost since today I am better off without you since today I am better off without you

oh ooh oh

and now you arrive, as soon as I'm about to forget you look for your path somewhere else while I look for the time that I lost since today I am better off without you since today I am better off without you since today I am better off without you

Picture this...

I look at this picture a million times a day... It's on my homescreen on my phone.... The feelings it used to drudge up seem so far a way.... I used to have butterflies thinking of that kiss you placed so tenderly on my cheek, how deep down inside I was shocked and amazed in your bold action, but frozen smile on my face etched in foreverness by the picture.... I just miss you.

let's play....

what a wild weekend.... but let's discuss the theory of cuffing season... today was the first day where the weather was cool enough for a sweater. and low and behold... with this came cuffing season.... I've never had the real definition of cuffing season.... let me google this.... okay so basically it gets cold outside and people wanna hook up... like on some real couple stuff... which is cute... the one i want is so far away.... it's all good... I can chill and enjoy the dating... keeping my distance... and figuring out how to make the distance between me and him a lot shorter-feeling... I know it's silly... and I am being such a dreamer.... I mean such an idealist... how can I not be head over heels for this guy? he's amazing.....

so back to this cuffing season... I miss being close... I just want to lay and look at the stars with you....
so I would love to know what his thoughts are.... but I don't know if I could ask... rejection is bad enough.... but from 2500+ miles? ugh! this is hard..... and worth it?? I hope so... it feels like it...

okay that's all

Forgiveness

this is definitely something I am good at... It takes a lot for me to not forgive someone.... I just understand I don't need this hate in my heart. my heart needs to be free. but for what? I'm not too sure. I stopped doing alot of things that I liked, that made me someone I didn't want to be. So I changed. not as easy as it sounds. I just needed some time to get back to me. I'm kind of getting to the point where I've had quite enough me time... now back to the real world.... it's hard to jump back in. a lot of what I was doing was focused around who I was with... and I can't have all that I don't trust myself drunk.... I don't know who I want to be around.... I feel like this blog has become quite whiny lately and for that I apologize... I'll jump back into the crazy world that I usually lead sometime soon.
I think I just need a little boost out of my slump... and I'm sure I'll get back there soon... have a great evening....

betrayal.... and building....

this morning after class I went to help rebuild a house that belonged to a veteran. He was an older gentleman... so nice though, just amazed that all these people are up on their days off and completely overlhauling his home. we put in new siding, windows, a fresh coat of paint over everything, it was a real project! so much hard work! It was 90 degrees and not a cloud in sight... but when I left I felt great. I haven't done any type of just community service since my sorority days in college! (the first time lol) so that's the building part, let's get the to the betrayal....

A couple of months ago I heard about this awesome job that I would have loved to have. This job wasn't like a dream job, but it was a great job with awesome benefits that I would have just really enjoyed. I told a really good friend about it. Now let's pause and talk about this friend. This friend and I have been friends since around fall of 2000, through all our ups and downs we've been close. This friend has been out of work, and out of state until recently. While out of work and out of state, I would send money, and pretty much whatever I could do to help. Even now that this friend is working I would do all I could to help, I invite them out all the time, I always drive, spending my gas, time and money to try and get her out of the house, to have fun and go out and just enjoy spending time together. After a few years, things have become so very one sided. I mean things have been kind of ridiculous. So one afternoon, they hit me up and ask me if I want to go to lunch, I politely decline as I am at work, and running low on funds. This friend says oh it's on me... which is already a surprise, I think to myself, well that's nice, after all those years of me paying, they are finally going to pay for a meal, that's pretty cool. So I am like cool. what time because I had 30 more minutes of work. This friend says, oh I'm almost done, I was already here when I first text you. WTF?! why even call? because you were already eating and decided you looked lonely so I should drop everything and just rush over to catch you in mid-meal? What kind of lame idea was that? but, I digress, let me get back to the job. So I learned about this opportunity and told them that the only way to get this job is to basically check the online postings everyday. So that particular week I had been really swamped with work and school and as much as I wanted that other job I just hadn't checked the website. So I get a text from this friend saying to check the website and that the job posting is up, I immediately check it, (like literally within seconds of the text) and there are no postings for that job, I was like what the hell?? I guess they must have pulled it, I was disappointed but I figured that it was just my bad luck that I missed it. So a couple weeks later they're headed to training, meanwhile our friendship is the same. Then they start going on about how much they wish I would have gotten hired too... so many annoying details... all this just to find out that they knew about the posting and waited 3days, to tell me about it.... After I put them on that job, and after everything I had done.... I haven't lost faith in friendships. I just know that I need to quit mistaking longevity for loyalty. regardless, I will still keep that person in my prayers, those i no longer need them in my life.

I will definitely just spend more time on school and working to make my goals happen, regardless of those who may be more worried about their best interests. i keep lookin at  this picture... of how friendship used to be... and then I stop and ask myself why would someone keep me so close just to judge, and wish me ill... i guess that's just life... but frienamies I do not need.

moving on.... also planning to get my passport pics done tomorrow... still no clue where I'm going but it will be empowering just to have it....

so all in all... I feel like today was a win, I found out who my real friends are, and I helped rebuild the home of an american hero... that's definitely a win....

Sweet thang...

Don't ya know your my everything??? Not so serious tho.

But he crosses my mind everyday tho...

And it's making me wonder how many other females feel the same... About him tho...

Long day ahead..... Still he's running through my mind.... Missing him tho...

just another day in paradise...

finally... after 3 weeks, a true day off, no class, no work... just me... my bed... my pajamas.... and my dog... lol It's amazing to me that I went so long and didn't call in... :) proud of me! lol but instead of being productive like I fully intended on being I took not one, not two but three naps... yes. three. it was amazing. fantastic... I was semi-productive... I packed my gym bag for tomorrow after work... and got ahead in my online class.... i need a boo in my life to be really antiproductive... like spend all day in bed watching stupid old tv shows on netflix.... or watching movies that no one remembers... I haven't had a day like that in so long I can't really remember maybe someday....

I have been swamped at work with so many projects and what not... I  can't say I don't enjoy it... it's gonna be fun... whenever I actually get time to work on it all...

So I had a serious conversation with the tenderoni last night. I laid it all out there. I will not tolerate his mood swings and more importantly how he spoke to me before. He apologized at first but then his pride kicked in and he was basically like "this is who I am, you just have to deal with it" let me explain how I don't. I don't have to deal with you being rude, inconsiderate or disrespectful. So that was that. I think it was alot easier for me to just shut it down with him because I have spent time with someone who treated me so much better. He actually though keeping a safe emotional distance was able to make me feel so wanted, cared about and desired, I am so glad that he is/was in my life. Although he's far away I feel a little like I owe it to him to try and just focus on me until I get a chance to communicate and spend some time with him and figure out what it is that I would like for him to be in my life.. like what role it is that he plays for me... right now I feel terrible that I compare all these people to him... they don't measure up and I'm just not willing to settle for someone who isn't gonna make me feel like he did...
crazy part about it is that as much as I care about him I would need some serious reassuring about his feelings because I know I have built him up so high... I could fall for him, I might already have..... but my brain won't let me tumble into an uncertain future with someone across the world from me. my brain also won't let me settle for a guy who was so quick to talk crazy to me when he was clearly in the wrong. So back to doing me... back to school work, back to gym... and most of all back to exclusively looking to the needs of my and what's in my best interest... I think it's the capricorn in me that is so quick to put someone else first and my needs last...
after all that.. I'm still getting my passport... I planned on getting it before I started falling for him... and I keep trying to have my mindset that this has nothing to do with him.. but part of me admits fully that it does.... we'll see..... anyways I am very happy that I told tenderoni how it is.... and as simple as I could put it.

"you don't have to do anything. you don't have to tell me what's going on in your life. but if you want me to stick around, you will. You don't have to talk to me like I am your mother or grandmother but you will be considerate of my feelings when you talk to me. you won't speak to me disrespectfully or rude or even in an angry tone, I don't do it to you. but remember you don't have to do any of these things, but if you want me around, you will."

The funny part is, I could care less whether he wants me around or not. I just miss the other guy, the one who held me and helped me fly.... smh... it's making me sad but I seriously think about him almost everyday... I find myself missing how I felt when I was with him... I guess no matter how much I try and convince myself that I did not fall... I just stumbled... but then I wake up and wish he was there... and wonder if i fell while I was trying to convince myself I hadn't even gotten close....

3am in Houston...

Well, 3:23 to be precise. Everytime I close my eyes my mind is flooded with memories and daydreams, blended together making me unsure of what it is I'm expecting.... So I expect nothing. I am constantly pushing myself to do better both educationally and physically. Excited about gym time tomorrow after I finish the last of my homework.... :) was busy planning a trip I may never take, to see a man I aspire to date LOL....

So many thoughts like wildfire in my head.... One igniting the next, but what I need is some rest.
But thought stray to the best, he outshined all the rest. Made my heart into a mess, with this distance faith's test....
How many guys do you know that I would just tear up at the thought of them gone? Cry over a guy? It's not unheard of but why?
Not because I'm a glutton for pain, because he's more than a main, just someone who I can see in the long run, someone whos got a side besides fun...
Compassion, thoughtful and clever...he won't know how he makes me feel ever... Too much power for someone to have over me. But if he never knows than will he ever be able to see? Sometimes things must be spelt out. Just to erase all the shadows of doubt....

Just keep wondering how to grow closer... A half the world away from someone....

While I'm daydreaming of you...

I day dream of you so until you're close again, I'm going to do me. Yes. Me.  I renewed/restarted my gym membership so that made me happy. Not really about the money part. But knowing that I have nothing stopping me from being happy with myself did make me feel great. I'm supposed to go out tomorrow night but looking at my schedule for my online class that's going to be a no. :/ might go anyways and just behave. Sunday is going to be a long ass day if I do go. :/ I have a store meeting at 6am... Ughhh anyways I'm so exhausted! :/ working while studying... Or viceversa has me drained.
Very drained... Hopefully i'll be able to enjoy my Monday off... :) that would be niiiiccceee (fabolous voice)
I have his picture on my mirror... It makes me smile and remember him being playful and "attacking" me on the couch... A hug he dove into... Made me melt.... Those little things left a big impression on me......xo

ancient aliens....

where did we come from? who created us? what is the purpose of life? google sent me to some lame website to help me discover the purpose of my life in 20 mins or less... if i can figure it out that quickly what have I been doing the last 26 years? let's start small, why is my dog alive? well she was born out of wedlock (omg! scandal!) and she's been raised by her adoptive family since, she pees in the bathroom (she can't reach the toilet) she barks at the wind, she hates most people and other dogs... what is her purpose? well in my eyes, I love and adore her so her purpose is to be my tiny companion. the furry little love of my heart.... she's a great listener, has an attitude and just never takes direction....so what is her purpose? she's more of a pest to those around her, (namely my mom's 85 lb. black lab) so what is her purpose? I guess it depends on those who know and love her... so back to me.... who is going to proclaim my purpose? and what is that? love, hate, education, to help? do I create my own purpose? or do I just find it along the way?... guess we'll have to see...

My homie finally returned an email I sent a while back... I woke up to see the email and couldn't stop smiling... it was so quick simple but it made my day. nothing increases the sexiness of a man like one who appreciates and takes time out for the little things. He hasn't been doing a good job of that lately but I feel like the potential is there! :) let's hope.

have a great week y'all... it's almost the weekend! *yay*

5 Years ago....

Okay so me and my sister are gonna celebrate 5 years of being affiliated with our frat brothers in November.... damn so much has happened.... I've grown so much... changed so much.... so many smiles.... just a random thought.... memory blog coming soon

smelling yourself....

Dear You,

You really got some fucking nerve. talking to me like I'm a fucking child. and the whole time I'm really just trying to be the kind loving person whom I choose to be. Little things that I wanted you to understand were a very big deal, you just didn't seem to understand. I thrive on little things, brush the hair out of my face, pump the gas for me..... kiss me on the forehead, the temple.... love me like I love you. like you want to be loved. he held me close and made me feel like the most important thing in his life. i don't understand how I could make you so important to me and you just treat me like crap. It's all good... I made a mistake. and I plan to rectify that as soon as possible... regardless of what I think I wanted I made a mistake when I thought you were the right one. I was wrong. I wanted him from the beginning and I should have listened to my instinct. but now you're both wrong for me... him... a million miles away and perfect, and you 5 minutes away and acting like a child. so I chose wrong and here I am... disappointed in you once again... and wishing I could disappear into his warm soft arms and watch stupid old tv shows that only we appreciate... and you... such a sad concept. I guess you won... and I lost... cause every time I got close to you I closed my eyes hard and tried to imagine it was him, his kiss, his hug, his voice....
Now I will forever wonder how life would have turned out if I had told him how I felt before he left... and didn't worry so much about you and how you felt.

Not so mad anymore, kinda relieved it's over with you,
Me.

Chaos....mass chaos and panic....

So I get to work... Almost on time... And have to go run an errand for a company truck.... Easy as cake right?? Wrong!! Totally ended up stranded at a gas station waiting for "emergency" roadside assistance.... And the lady who helped me was dumb as rocks... Lady the fuel line is broken. This means any little spark will ignite the whole damn truck. So I had a tasty breakfast of gas station food... And now I'm stuck here waiting for "about 90 mins" for this roadside assistance. Now. This...is... Ridiculous.... Plenty of time to contemplate my life.... So here are a few things I decided...
1. I need a haircut terribly. And a less damaging way of straightening my hair...
2. My eyeliner looks amazing today.
3. I miss my homie terribly. And am pretty sure I'm going to start a vow of celibacy until next year. That'll be quite a challenge but I think I can handle it.
4. The jerks who decided we should have truck rental owe me lunch. Cause this is the worst.
5. I'm going to make a conscious effort to stop cussing... That autocorrected to fussing... So that too.
6. I will be moving before the end of this year... I need to start hunting for furniture....anyone wanting to donate a large tv please feel free....
7. I used to like the smell of gasoline but now I definitely ended up nauseous....
8. I really hope everything comes through with this promotion because I am working hard and believe I deserve it.

Ughhh still at the gas station.....

Early morning random..

I wonder how many people read this.... If any.... If so... Don't worry :)
Empty cold beds make sadness run through my head.... But with the feeling behind, I shake off the sadness and continue my grind....
:) early morning poet. Have a blessed day..... Whoever you are... Xo

Marathon.....

Totally wrapped up in the idea of love.... I've been watching that old show Dick van Dyke on netflix. Addicted. I love the family dynamics and it's just straight up funny. :) I went to lunch with an old friend from high school... Got to meet her husband and daughter.... It was.... Inspiring. :). Happiness takes many forms I'm just wrapped up in the idea of the little things adding up to be huge. You can't come home and not be welcomed by a hug and kiss.... That's just how it's supposed to be. I've been apartment shopping and all kinds of cool things.... :) I'm so ready to start my life. And the resources are coming around. I'm just taken back by how much I'm absolutely missing this man. I have a picture of him on my phone... Not on the main page cause I'd surely spiral into depression Lmbo... But when I see it I smile... I replay kisses and Passion in my mind.... And then I just sigh and miss him. Miss him to the point where I shouldn't be so affected. I just miss the little things. I didn't get very much time to enjoy them.... So now I just miss him. And I daydream... And remember his devilish grin... Lips that had me hanging off his every word.... His skin... So soft... It was strange to be so drawn completely into someone who's so dangerous for me emotionally.... So I sit back and focus on work and school and just miss him. I don't call him.... I don't dwell on the fact I haven't gotten anything from him. I'm just glad that it happened... It being the time we spent together...nasty minds LOL.... Focusing on me... Working hard. Studying harder. And thinking about him daily.... At least the time between thoughts is starting to expand... But I come home and look in my mirror and there's this picture tucked neatly in the corner. And it starts me thinking.... "I wonder if he's doing the same thing" or if he just took those pictures put them in the bottom of a drawer... And memories of me with them.... And forgot.... We'll see....

wow... this really spoke to me.... KillerHipHop » Joe Budden – Follow My Lead Lyrics

KillerHipHop » Joe Budden – Follow My Lead Lyrics: you sayin’, “follow my lead, follow, follow my lead”
brought me to my knees, she must wanna holla at me.
when the World feel like swallowin’ me,
when every decision costly, and I ain’t got a dolla on me.
check it, I don’t wanna pretend, I don’t wanna live a lie.
I don’t wanna be judged, dont wanna be criticized.
I dont wanna talk, there nothin’ I wanna say,
boy, I let em get to know me, the more they just runaway.
and that, must be your way of sayin’ we should stay together.
I know how to f-ck it up, more then I can make it better.
I figured folk around me would learn to take it better,
instead of tryna change me, I been this way forever.
time will reveal, more will be shown.
you pushed it, I thought the door closed on it’s own.
but uh, nevermind what caused it, livin’ a dream,
nothin’ in this World powerful enough to pause it.
sing

"When it all, all falls down....."

Kanye had something there.... Things are kinda terrible.... I miss him....

9/11

Okay I'm a little early for a 9/11 blog however saw some footage and remembered how scary that morning was.... being in class.... watching the towers fall... seeing how worried my friends and teachers were... then moving to my office aide period where all the students were being picked up and the parents trying to mask their fears with half hearted jokes as well as students trying to act like they weren't worried.... like they were too cool for fear.... we all felt the fear... the unspoken trembling we all felt in our hearts....

the footage still makes me teary to the point of being unable to watch.... :(

Drake.

I'm than just a number, hey, hey, hey
I doubt you'll find another, hey, hey, hey
So every single summer, hey, hey, hey
I be the one that you remember

Memories....

Before he left I was the sweetest person and made him a mini goodbye kit.... And in it was pictures of us at the astros game.... And a letter.... And a sweet nothing :).... I just don't want him to forget about me... Or how awesome we got along.... Or the fun we had.... But how do I deal? Am I supposed to wait....that's gonna be a long wait.... But worth it.... And my tenderoni is upset about the whole thing.... I just want him to understand something I don't.... Cause one of them I love, one of them I crave, one of them makes sense and one of them is right.... Yeah it's only 2... So there multiple categories for them... LOL... I just keep thinking back to stolen moments for me.... A fling years in the making.... And one that feels so right.... Which is the right path? Cause at the end of the day I can love both but only have one.... Hurts to think about it.... 2000+ miles.... Or years or difference.... I'm at the age where I want something very much on the track to serious.... To marriage, a family, child.... Dog and picket fence... Lol...

In other news I need a new job!! This one is still fun... But mainly I dread being there at any or all times.... :/ I just want real money.... Real money that will allow me to visit 2000+ miles... Smdh... Alternative motives.....

Annddddd....

It's all good.... emotionally he was gone yesterday for me.... disappointed mucho... but it happens.... maybe someday he'll think I'm important enough to do what he says he's going to do... but until then, I am single. and no matter how much I care about him, I care about me more and making me happy... :) he'll get right some day... until then... enjoy the ride xo

A long kiss goodbye...

I've been in such an India Arie mood lately.... We said goodbye but hello again when yet another roadblock delayed departure.... Hopefully i'll get an idea of where I want to be emotionally by the time I see him.... I just don't know.... It feels so right.... But I know I'm diving into a place I've not yet scoped out.... I mean how am I to avoid pain if it's sure to blindside me? I guess
We'll just see.....

All falls down...

When you sit back and watch.... Things work themselves out.... I have no idea what or how or who.... But eventually things just figure themselves out.... I just didn't know... I gave so many benefits of doubt that I was even starting to think things were my fault.... And then after some uncharacteristically aggressive actions on my part I got to see what it was like.... And I liked it... But it's almost gone.... Thanks to Irene I've gotten a few more hours... But that's all... And he's just so laid back... No drama.... Looking at the stars talking about what love was like back when our parents fell.... If love like that still exists.... Sitting there watching him think..... I sat there and did my best to not fall.... Because it felt like my stomach was trembling I know this person. I know who he was.... Who he can be.... But have no idea who he wants to be....
I know that I like being around him.... That holding his hand made me feel....right. that he values the little things.... That he appreciates the things that he is aware he is not entitled to but privileged to.... And because of that my appreciation for him is indescribable.... Then the logical part of me plays back the inevitable good bye that is sure to come... But why sit and anticipate the hurt when I can enjoy the now?

Failure..

I am so terrible at being mad... Mainly because after about 4 hours I just want to be held and forget whatever was pissing me off.... It's just that life is too short to waste it being mad over something so trivial.... I mean yes, whatever it was that made me mad was wrong... And I was completely justified in my feelings but it isn't gonna make me a better person or ever happy to be mad... I just want to rewind it all and make it understood from the jump.... I won't be your doormat... I will be waiting with open arms when you realize that....

Partying with the future...

Last night was slightly short of amazing.... Partying with a friend of a friend who happened to be some kind of a celebrity... It was pretty cool.... And my friend is just the cooled female you'd ever meet.... Hotel hopping.... Watching these dudes try and get away from some ratchet groupies... Quite entertaining...

Mr. Close to home Foreigner has really made me wonder what kind of person he really is.... So inconsiderate of my time and feelings. If you'll treat me like this and I'm just around the corner what's gonna happen when you're around the world? I adore his personality and how he acts around me... But if this is how he'll treat me... No thanks. I can't even halfway deal with stuff like that. Flakey is strictly forbidden....

Besides all that Mr. Tenderoni has decided to act out as well... I do not know what is going on but a new team maybe on the horizon.... Ugh.... :/ rough days always follow amazing nights...

Speaking of not knowing..

I have no idea what's going on.... I know he'll be gone soon.... And i'll be left with the memory and what if's.... The ones that will drive you crazy.....

Lauryn Hill

I promise no album will ever touch me like the miseducation of lauryn hill..... Exfactor is definitely one of the best songs ever.... It's just so beautifully written.... And true.... "When I try to walk away you hurt yourself to make me stay, this is crazy"...... No crazy ex's in my life at the moment.... Sometimes you just have to appreciate feelings you've had in the past.... Music is like a time machine, a memory spark and a heart repair machine.... It just soothed and comforts.... For example.... John Legend speaks to my soul with "everybody knows"..... Because he's so real about it.... Nobody really knows....

Nodding off....

That always sounds like something your supposed to not talk about... Like something lewd and dirty... LOL anyways today was pretty cool..... Lunch date with my friend.... Then I totally got stood up by a different guy... I guess that's why I'm not good at patience... Oh well... It's all good... I kinda wanna let him slide because our outing Monday was so fantastic I couldn't have asked for a better evening....  He was sweet, and funny... Affectionate and silly... All those things that you really want in a guy... All wrapped up in a very handsome package...
And stamped with a cinderella-esque expiration date... No he's not turning into a pumpkin... He's just gonna be so far.... I mean I've always been really good at the long distance thing but it has to be built before you put the distance in....
So what to do now?
Get what you ask for.... Then you gotta figure out how to deal.... Smdh... And I was thinking to myself why now? With all these passed opportunities.... Well it just wasn't the right time... If I had any knowledge of what I know now, back then.... I would have messed it all up.... And everytime after that i had too much going on.... And I still do... But the difference is that I'm at the point in my life where I'm willing to put in time and effort to work on and develop me.... And the potential for "us".... I guess we'll just have to wait and see.... Still kinda disappointed I got stood up.... :(

It's hot as f*ck outside....

Things are heating up inside too..... Well not really but it sounded kinda intriguing right? Need to kick it with my homie before he leaves for the better part of a year out of the country..... Smdh.... I feel like all my relationships have a time limit.... This one is just more obvious than others....

A random "movie night" offer I received yesterday made me wonder WTF this dude was thinking.... It was like 1 am.... I felt like I should very well explain to him I already have too much on my plate dating wise and more importantly he's lame... LOL....

Dog days of summer.... And dates...

So yesterday I got off work early and ended up going to a late lunch with my homie.... It was really nice... I laugh so much around him... It's awesome to have someone you can not get enough of. Then we went to see planet of the apes... Great movie... But definitely needed a sense of closure....I really did enjoy spending time with my homie....

Long weekend...

Texas Greek Picnic was this weekend.... didn't go to the picnic but did go to a couple of the events... the stepshow... was... interesting... the after party... well I am just glad i got to see my brothers...
So I've been around guys all weekend and I have decided that the most annoying thing in the world is for someone to be unable to take responsibility for their actions or lack there of... The victim mentality "it's everybodys fault but mine" is the most irritating thing I have ever seen. I just want to slap someone and say dude wtf?! everybody gets a raw deal every now and then... so just get over it... ludacris said it best "it's not the hand that your dealt, but how your playing your cards"

So anyways got to spend some time with a pretty awesome guy this weekend...he makes me laugh, drives me wild.. hysterical, and just an all around sense of warm, snuggly.... kisses.... just... amazing..... and then I find out I have an interview for a job in san antonio.... a really good, no GREAT job..... I told him.... he seemed slightly upset... he's what I've wanted for so long.... what kind of ingrate to the institution of love would I be to just allow myself to run away from something I've wanted, waited for, prayed for...... deep stuff... stressful.... this is still such a new and shiny toy of a relationship... not stressing over defining it or trying to understand it... finally at the age where I can just enjoy it and not worry about trying to make it something else...

I had an "ah-ha" moment at the club... I ran into a friend of my from high school, he's a police officer.. he was working in the club... we stopped and caught up... I was like wow... I would definitely be the chick in the club flirting with the cop... lol... hey judge if you must but he did have handcuffs... haha... jk! (maybe) but I have found myself kinda not really just checking for dudes lately... truth be told even Mr. Officer was just a good friend to catch up with.... smdh.... when did I get so over-it? I guess when you find someone you can't get enough of you just kinda don't wanna waste your time... plus I was cutting events short all weekend just to spend time with him..... which is entirely uncharacteristic of me...

oh well India said it best... 

"If he ever left me, I wouldn't even be sad, no 

Cause there's a blessing in every lesson

And I'm glad that I knew him at all"

love it!! anyways I'm out... got finals this week.... wish me luck!

Food for thought...

I don't want the perfect person, I don't even aspire to be perfect.... I just want to wake up next to someone who makes me laugh for the rest of my life....

Escape...

This mini vacation was much needed.... Got to kick it with some folks I haven't seen in a while... Got to meet some ppl that were pretty cool.... Also learned why you do not wear flip flops on bourbon st.... Definitely gross... LOL...I did learn something about myself.... I was alot more into that guy than I initially believed... So I am still a little hurt that it didn't work out... :( even if he was not my type his personality made up for it... So all in all my little escape didn't serve it's ultimate purpose... To help me forget but it did serve a purpose... I had a blast... And after a 5 hour drive to think about him and why it's not working.... I'm not sure how i'll feel.... At least I know I tried....anyways here's a couple pics...

genius

planning an escape.. a getaway... i need to drive for hours with nothing but my music and sunglasses... and my destination needs to include someone who loves me unconditionally. it's already in the works... leaving friday... after a date.. this guy was kind of bold in his approach, i can totally appreciate that... highly educated and cultured... i feel bad cause I'm not completely over the last guy... but i can't lose the momentum... gotta keep pushing... more so as a diversion to my pain then as a real viable relationship... I'm so ready to hop on i10 and end up with someone who adores me. yes, he's just a friend. but he's the best kind of friend. the kind that brushes away your tears and gets you drunk enough to forget about "whats-his-name" and the bullshit he pulled... this is the kind of friend who you can share a bed with and not feel like something stupid will happen.. the kind you can wake up next to and talk until your ready to go get breakfast... a real friend... it's so selfish of me to think he will always be this way... and that he'll never want more. but as I see it, I'm giving him everything I have to offer right now... because clearly I am not ready for a relationship... this last dude kinda stung... because he wasn't close to my type.. I wasn't even really attracted to him until I got to know his personality... it was.... different... I don't know if he'll ever realize that I truly liked who he was, not what he was... I wasn't even okay with being seen with him... not because I was embarassed but because I wanted to be sure he was for real... I guess he wasn't.... it happens... I never wish anyone that hurt me bad wishes, I only hope that the lesson I learned from them sticks, and that karma does what it needs to, to justify my anger-grief-sadness.
In other news. I was completely taken back by a recent bit of information. a friend of my brothers told me back in the day he kinda might have had a slight crush on me. this made me so mad! not because of him, I think he's great, but I always felt like I was totally approachable until he told me that. I didn't want to believe it, i mean this is a guy I absolutely think is completely awesome, back then and now.... now I'm stuck with the whole well that would have been good to know... I mean he told me which makes me wonder why? I never really revealed old crushes, most likely because I tell them at the time... fearless even! lol. I just never want to look back and be like "I wish I would have...." because that would drive me crazy... but he was/is a nice guy... and I'm always looking for cool guy friends.... I'm pretty sure at the rate I'm going I'm gonna be "one of the guys" for a long time ughh... it's like 11 and I'm watching hardwood classics, boston v. la, game 4.... it's pretty bad ass... I couldn't even imagine being the type of girl watching *insert some super messy reality show here* even in class these chicks were discussing some show about women in basketball.. and I was clueless... one of the guys next me asked if I watched it.. I laughed, and said that's not on espn.... his reaction was priceless.... this game is amazing larry, kareem, magic... what kind of magical line up?? and the booty shorts...LMBO... okay that's it....

oh I aced my a&p test. (thus the title) go me!

How do you know?

So after all this serial dating you can take away 2 things... 1. I'm exhausted and 2. I clearly have no idea when to stop. How do I know which guy "is the one"? I really like 2 of the 5. That's huge though... one of the unlucky three has already told me he loves me. That, ladies and gentlemen is a surefire way to send me packing... yes women do want romance and love but after 5 weeks and only 2 real dates are you serious? We don't even talk on the phone like that. Truthfully he doesn't even know me to love me. So again I'm like wtf? And the 2 keepers. They are truly keepers.  One has a little more going for him than the other but they are both tall, attractive, no kids, educated in great careers and looking for a serious girlfriend... so which and how do I choose?
Guy#1 is local, handsome, very crafty, very stable and fun he is clearly a gentleman, helps with the community as well as family. Very family oriented and very welcoming and warm...

Guy#2 lives slightly further than #1, has a good job, very very attractive but wants to take things slowly while searching for his girlfriend.. which is great...

Now guys 3-5 have each proven to be creepy or clingy or just way too cocky for me. Thus they are out... even mr. "I love you- but I don't make any time for you" cause truthfully I'm too young and fun to be waiting for him to make time for me. That leaves 1&2... I'm meeting 1 tomorrow after work he'll be cooking me dinner... that excites me mucho. So we'll see... I'm planning to see #2 on thurs I think.... I am glad I need not decide so quickly but optimistic that taking my time will allow the right guy to show himself.

date #2... better than number one...

went back out with the guy from the pappadeaux date.. went out for drinks at a cute bar thing I'd never been too... it was so fun... i got to see his playful and competitive side as we played bar video games and took a shot as part of the playful betting... so much fun.. he's great... beautiful smile... gorgeous teeth... am I sounding like a weirdo? for noticing teeth.. oh well.. anyways.. he smelt so good... like fantastic.. like hot guy... yes, like abercrombie... lol that place and hollister have cornered the market in hot boy fragrance... I promise he wrapped his strong arms around me to hug me goodbye and I almost fell out.... we stood outside the bar for a little while talking and joking, a couple of hugs later he was staring into my eyes.. I felt like such a dork... I have never been good at first kisses.. they always seem awkward and unplanned.. even uncomfortable or downright terrible... this was natural... comfortable.... it fit.... kinda fun to be excited by that... I love how cute it is.... bigger problem I created by the serial dating... one of the other guys messed up and told me he fell for me... that he loves me.... it scared me to my core... I don't know how to tell him the truth without sounding wrong... was I wrong? did i do this with the intention of hurting someone? I pray I did not.... I hate how selfish natured I can be.... a bigger problem is on the horizon and I need to figure it all out very quickly....

Great date.

Met this new guy for drinks... yeah that's how, sat and Sunday went for me... #serialdater... they progressively got better all weekend.. I actually met a guy Friday night and went out with him Saturday... that was pretty cool.... but Sunday was the best date of all... maybe cause it was so unexpected... maybe cause he was quite handsome and down to earth I really did enjoy myself though.... he was unexpectedly fun... we had so much in common.... best of all he text me afterwards saying he'd love to see me again.... I was floored! People don't understand the instant gratification that I seek... so that totally fit the bill... I'm pretty excited to see where this goes!! The other dates were good too
I had too much fun... at this rate I'm gonna need to make decisions sooner than previously established...

Sunday....

Famiky emergency of my boss's lead me to working today... can't complain.... with spring break all my good tenderoni's have family to deal with.... :P oh well.  

Sometimes things aren't what they seem...

Last Sunday I met a nice guy. He was sitting at a bar when my friend/ relationship coach and I got there. She struck up conversation, we ended up at breakfast. First meeting him I was very confused and didn't understand the purpose of her trying to hook us up. After spending some time with him I totally understand. He is great!! Although dating is still questionable I just have so much fun with him. He is very open minded, laid back, warm and kind. I have to give my friend her due props! If nothing comes of it, I made a great friend who makes me laugh a lot and is fun to hang out with! Anyways so sleepy!! Xo

The "not-a-date"

So it's Saturday night and I'm off and have no clue what I'm gonna get into. I hit up a friend of mine who I've never spent a whole lot of time with and decide that if he's super fun in small doses he'll be extra fun for hanging out. Best. Idea. Ever. We had sushi, pleanty of drinks and bar hopping for the evening!! Talk about awesome!!
It was totally not a date because frankly we'd never work... some people are just meant to be friends. So our other friend meets us at one of the bars and we have a blast... they start helping me decide what kind of guy I want to be with... it's pretty cool. I make the mental note that not-a-dates with these two are definitely going to be the highlight of my single life!

Update: Step One

So I've gotten through my contacts and deleted the majority of men who do nothing positive for me.. a few I kept because they are truly friends, a few I kept because they have valuble information that could prove useful in the long run... anyways. Went to my favorite spot for poker last night... very interesting time.... played some poker had a few drinks... maybe a few too many lol... got some interesting insight to a new guy that's been around lately.... now I'm the queen of pet names everyone is "sweetie" "babe" "honey" "boo" "doll" or some other uber sweet variation... but he was so stuck on "baby" and using it paired with the possessive "my" isn't so bad, quite endearing actually...  he is around the correct age range, has an awesome personality and this laugh that causes me to laugh hysterically... these are all pluses.... the negatives are also there but being me I can only account for those that affect me directly.... I do believe that he can at the least be a learning experience. I've already laid out the foundation for him though (just in case) I made it clear that my intentions are not to be any variation of a side chick... also made it clear I'm not willing to play into his games.... and then clearly listed the characteristics I would find desirable in a male. Come to think of it I should refind and post that.... rocky

Deleting...

Deleting contacts is a lot harder than it seems... don't get discouraged... just take a chunk at a time... and remember... if this is someone your not sure about.... *delete* don't waste your time... or memory (phone wise) lol

"Ten step plan to land a man":: the project

My good friend has the best relationship advice. Thus for the next month (maybe two) she'll be coaching me with her steps to finding a great man. I am giving her full control for 30 days at least... lol so step one is

"Delete all the negative from your life, including your contact list, your facebook, myspace, and twitter"

I figured this is because to welcome something news you must get rid of what ever is in it's way... including people taking up your attention for no reason...

So I start the daunting task of deleting all these useless people... I'm so excited... let's see how this works...

Xoxo -Rocky

You can't be serious!!

So I get a call from a guy I met a while back. He had some half- believable story about how he mixed up my number with someone elses... blah blah blah... he's super steaming hot and I end up meeting him to play pool... his friend is there... no big deal... so have a couple of drinks... play some pool.. say goodnight... he texts me when I leave asking if I'm going home I reply of course.... he's like so am I supposed to come or what? Are you effin serious??? Lol!! I literally laughed in his face... you seriously think buying 2 beers and a 30 min phone convo entitles you to come home with me? Sir have a seat. Then guys wonder why females are so scarred and overly analytical with men.... you wait a month to call me, and then expect to come home with me after an hour of mediocre pool? I am not a male basher. Trust me, I love men. ... everything about them... but some of y'all are truly sick... It seems like I've been dating more lately and it's like all signs are pointing to "become an old cat lady" lol jk... I am allergic to cats... no matter how hot you are you should never mistake playful flirting with a chick throwing her pussy at you.... the difference is ridiculous!! Sadly, super hot cop as I have been refering to him is getting deleted from my phone after I post this... he was hot though... 6'3" caramel complextion broad shoulders... and clearly he's a huge ass. Lol anyways readers spead the word.... no bullshit or sidesteping... is it so bad that a attractive smart funny and ambitious female has expectations that need to be met? they're not unreasonable... you know single, little to no kids, sense of humor... job. A legal one lol.... it's not like I am asking for multiple masters degrees lol... anywho.... on to the next..... debating about posting his picture lol... maybe that's a bad idea he is HPD lol

Surprise!!

Well not for me... we threw a surprise party for my friend last night and it truly turned out awesome. I really did enjoy myself... and kind of made the conscious decision that I need to keep myself surrounded with the people that make me happiest! So that's the goal.... just to maintain my happiness... just a thought.

I noticed...

The strange thing is... he has been there for a while. But calling me first thing in the morning, followed by goodnights... makes it more amazing

Working hard.... hardly working....

Working like a mexican slave.... but my day off yesterday was amazing!!! Went to get my nails done with a friend and she surprised me after she left I found she had treated me!! Made my whole day! Stopped by the bar to drop something off and one of my really cute regulars came in.... I demolished the pool table! Lol kinda I won 4 of 6 games, drank wayyy too much hennessy and had a blast....none of this is spectacular but what was awesome was how awesome this guy is.... he is funny and sweet... strong silent type... which is good cause I talk a whole lot...

Anyways I was surprised to get a call from him when I got to work.... he had just woke up... wow so I'm the first thing on your mind when you woke up... *awesome*

new year, new you....

i met him on new years eve... while he was playing with his band... his guitar, his smile was so sneaky... lol every time he walked by the weeks prior in rehearsal he'd smile and blush... me being me I ignored it.. until that night... after a long night of partying and the liquid courage running through my veins....we started dancing, talking... ended up exchanging numbers and talking that night... and the next day was an awesome pool hall/ dinner date... followed a couple of days later by an afternoon movie date... then a night of cuddling... nothing more... he sings... we layed together and he strummed his guitar singing to me... singing songs he had no idea i loved... I can't wait to see his smile. hear his voice... never thought I would be so gay lol.... I love that he answers on the first few rings, and that he lets me put my cold feet between his and then wrapped me up so tight.. he talks about the future... the present suddenly such an amazing gift... how enlightened.. his innocence... it's all so new to me..... more importantly he just wants to make me happy. it's been quite a while since i have met a man with that goal... it's kind of awesome......... we'll see what happens....

regardless i'm loving all these awesome pics I'm getting of us... lol