sunshine, then rain, now looking for the sunshine again

hanging out with my friend the other night, I thought it was quite amusing that he was trying to kiss me and I was trying to wiggle around to have a view of the end of the monday night football game. i wasn't trying to be a meanie but i really wanted to know who was winning... lol... he's such a great guy... he absolutely makes up for his flaky-ness by being sweet, caring and affectionate... I am 100% aware that this is not enough but I'll let him make it, just cause he's him. quiet, thoughtful, insightful, smart, witty, and a set of dimples that would dive into. I look into those huge brown eyes and I can't help but fall... ughhhh unfortunately this man is a bigger risk than any other man in my life thus far, if I fall I will hit the ground, sadly i find it hard to believe that he's just that perfect, I know he's not, but in my eyes he can do little wrong. I even find myself coming up with excuses as to why he didn't return my call or text... which are just those, excuses.


anyways so back to my regular sport commentary...

a second texan was suspended for the use of performance enhancing drugs on tues. though disappointing, i actually don't really find it too far from what i would have done in his situation. he had knee surgery earlier this year, and recently was out with another injury, he's only 25 ish. if you were his age and worried about your future in the league, would you not try to help your body heal itself?

regardless, the man does deserve some credit for not dragging it out and making it a huge issue, he apologized and vowed to do better in the future. at the very least he did the noble thing and confessed. all you can do is admit fault and move forward. kudos to you sir, be a man and take your punishment, move around and do better the next time.

Performance enhancing drugs.... that's kind of weird right? like isn't that supposed to be a good thing? I mean I am not endorsing nor condoning anything of the sort. I am actually shocked and scared to learn that athletes are putting themselves in this position but seriously I am so hurt that they have to go through all the associated drama.

I feel like i'm just an overly sympathetic person somethings. I am just a mess... I just want to be in his arms..... (yeah totally unrealated but still)

time for some sleep.. x's and o's

She Got Game

Well, not really but it sounded like a great blog title. so. here's the latest problem, i keep falling into this repetitive cycle of seeing a person whom I end up growing, or rather re-growing attached to, then am disappointed when he isn't available when I'd like to see him/spend time with him. This is borderline retarded, yes I am quite aware. not quite a relationship, not quote a friendship... this weird medium where he drives me nuts and I can't stand him but I miss him after not seeing him for a while... oh well...

someone who makes me happy everyday is all i need... well mostly all I need. I just want to be happy... it's not a whole lot to ask.... luckily I'm really good at looking out for me... :)

not alot to discuss, new job is going well. keep getting hit on by random ppl so that's always entertaining... I'm just not at a point where a new person coming in my life is a great idea.... someone said recently that single people rarely enjoy being single... this is true always so worried about the next...

new orleans was amazing. all the fun that I expected and more. wish I was able to help a friend's self esteem problem... maybe that would make her happier instead of focusing what she feels she lacks, she can focus on her pluses... like i do.... well except for the fact that I am full of myself lol.... lucky me. :)

today this coworker asked me if I was seeing anyone I said, yes and no... well yes but it's not serious, then I was like well no but... I finally came to the conclusion that I would just stick with the answer, yes. cause I'm seeing myself lol... the end of that... I couldn't explain it I kinda felt bad...

back to doing me.

drowning....

I keep looking up at the situation that I got myself into. I know what's best for everyone... but then I know what I really want..... I guess I'll learn sooner or later

I just don't know if this is a sign or a whole life alteration.... or... I dunno.... but I care enough about my friend to make a decision based on what's best for him... and not just go off my feelings... oh so much to think about... just feels like when things are looking up, something comes crashing down... oh well... things will get way better... they always do!!

Everyday gets easier....

man this chick at work pissed me off and this is the very last time I'm gonna think about how mad i was... some people shouldn't be allowed to reproduce. I know that most of her dramatic nature is due to her emotional past oh well!... that's so sad for her... however.. I'm done with the drama... I love my life! I'm so lucky that I have such a great support circle in my life... and it's gonna get much better... I'm very excited about the summer and my life things are kinda strange... I have so much to do tomorrow... I'm tired of waiting for stuff to happen... but when i try and make it happen it still doesn't work...

so i spoke with a old friend of mine, he told me my problem is that I am far too nice... too nice?? is that possible.. I guess so... he said i need to just be mean, and not care.. and supposedly this is gonna have the catnip effect.. I don't think I care that much but it might be a fun experiment! I guess we'll see anyways im looking forward to happy hour with some friends on thurs... let's hope it's awesome! I'll send pictures!

Seriously? All parties involved?? what parties???

so i've been dating a guy seriously for a couple of weeks. he's pretty cool, down to earth, a little eccentric at times but all around a good guy. strangely i feel like he's moving way too fast, I mean he keeps kinda trying to gage my reactions to different things, like marriage, living together and a serious relationship. so I finally toss every other guy to the curb and decide this is the path I want to follow, we've discussed being together a few times and I know this is moving quick but I feel like it's gonna be worth the jump. he asks me if I want to be his girlfriend. I said yes, eventually... then the next morning I say screw it and shoot him a text that says "I want to be your girlfriend" no response, I see him later (he comes into my job) and is all over me, and kissing me and whatnot, not usually a problem I don't mind p.d.a. but I am at work, and yes although I am a bartender it's still kind of inappropriate. so anyways next day I get a 3 hr break between jobs (I have 3 now) and call him, pick up some burgers and go see him. his mood is completely different, he says he's just really tired and hungover but something is off. I know his phone is messed up so I called and left a voicemail and he returned it while I was working. his message made me stress. I mean he never responded about me and the girlfriend thing. so the message was like hit me before a certain time (which i totally missed due to work) and it would be best for all parties involved, for us to speak as soon as possible... all parties involved?! as far as I know it's just me and you bro. so what the hell are you talking about? I reponded with no answer...... not feeling this at all... I like the guy alot but I'm so stressed, and about nothing!?! or at least I have no idea why... I just feel like this is going to be something that is huge and annoying... and painful- emotion wise....

oh well... guess i'll sleep on it....