Wake up...

Up late last night.... Brain would not turn off! Damn... So let's go in on something different.... I haven't done a "random things that make me smile" entry since I had this blog... Here goes:

1. When I remember all the words to a song that's fast... I.e. "big pimpin" :) I get this intense feeling of being a bad ass....

2. Pumpkin pie ice cream. But you still need to add kool whip.

3. Having my hair washed at the salon... It feels like heaven to have someone wash my hair.... They always do it better than I can...

4. Waking up to random texts from someone I'm really feeling.... That makes me smile.... Nice to know I'm on your mind, and I didn't have to exert effort to put myself there...

5. All 90's music. Period.

That's enough for today.... What randomly makes you smile?? XOXO

frustrations...

so i had a meeting at work and it somehow ended up in a yelling match with this ignorant woman... she helped me remember something though... this is definitely not my career.... I hate it there... for the most part.... some of the stuff is cool... my direct managers are pretty bad ass.... but other than that... I just can't wait to get my degree... wave it around... and pull that famous jerry mcguire exit.... lmao.... I've only done the fuck you guys exit once before... and ... may i say, it was GLORIOUS.... executed so perfectly... like an opera... just breathtaking... I can not wait until part 2.... lol.... anyways....

kind of trying to get myself prepared for the disappointment that i feel is going to happen in a few weeks... like part of me is dying to jump into his arms... and the logical part is like hmmm he isn't really giving me any reason to think things are going to be different that last time... stood up, broken promises, just inconsiderate altogether... but it's more like 85-15 here... so the largest part is definitely hopeful.... someday the logical part will gain the upperhand... but until then... :) I'll just focus on these daydreams... and if there is anything that I have learned during my numerous years of dating it's that you can't lose hope for anyone... because it's when you do that love loses hope in you... and we can't have that... I need to carry on these gorgeous genes I was blessed with.... and though there is a slight chance he's not the one (and I mean slight because I adore him) he does have some great genes to contribute as well... LOL... I'm just saying... I'm not crazy picking baby names or anything extra like that... but I'm 26 I have to keep things like that in the back of my mind.. how can I not think of that... lol.. that's fine... anyways I hope he is everything I need...even if he isn't doing like I want... lmbo... I can handle his distant nature... if he can make his feelings known... felt... even if he's not good at expressing them I need to feel them.... thats all...

oh and that dummy at work can kick rocks!... BIG ONES! I'm happiest when spiting people by bettering myself... 

the wonder years...

absolutely engulfed in the netflix marathon of The Wonder Years I am having... I love the innocence of it all...

it's masking what's really on my mind... I miss him so much.... he might be back sooner than I thought... I want him to be back... alot... but I know he's gonna be kinda miserable... not about me.. lol... I'm sure that part will be great but I feel like his gonna be sad to be stuck in Houston when he wants to be working across the world... and I just want to be where his is lol... it's funny but I see it like this... I'm young and in school... yeah work is fun.. but I want to see this develop... maybe it will, maybe it won't but either way it's like something growing that just needs a little sun, water... and whatever plants eat... wait... dirt? I'm saying that a relationship I want just needs dirt? yeah sure... that's what plants eat right? jk... I am no botanist but you know what I mean... it would be nice to have him around for holidays... (mostly thanksgiving, christmas is weird for me) I think christmas is weird because it's the day before my birthday... I'm not really a good gift accepter...if that's a thing... I just have this thing about getting gifts from guys... I feel like the more unique and sentimental it is, the better... like yeah anybody can spend money... but someone who would get me something silly but special to me would be better... uhmm lets see.. I had a bar guest get me Spurs tickets once... that was the most thoughtful thing ever... yeah they were like in the rafters but I care not! It was truly a thoughtful gift... my brother once got me a light up markerboard toy thing... THAT was sooo cool! I almost cried (later when he wasn't looking lol) it was amazing to me how well my brother knows me...

so anyways I still want him around... I feel like I'm being selfish wanting him back... but I do.. and I guess I am.... I actually want to show him I can cook.. I mean he's got a huge appetite... lol I'd love to do the family thing and whatnot... my family seems to ask about him alot... it's kinda of weird...I mean for a person they've only met like once, they sure do ask about the guy more than most of the people in my life who they see quite frequently... I wonder why... maybe it's because my eyes truly light up when they ask about him... and they tear up at the thought of him being so far... and the idea that he might not be as worried about me as I am about him... I guess it's just a lot to think about.... It's alot for anyone to think about... I mean I keep passing on dates, and outing with other guys... and I try and convince myself it's not about him.... that I'm not "waiting" for him... but its kind of hard to deny the obvious.. but it's not really "waiting" persay... it's more of I don't want to date someone else... when my mind is all wrapped up in him... and I light up at his name, his message, and the memory of him... errrr... lol yeah... anyways

I guess it just sucks when the one thing you want most, is the thing that will probably make the other person most unhappy... this is where I throw my feelings aside and just wish his happiness... and I do... for the most part... I just want to be apart of that happiness....

show me...

sometimes I just need to know..... that you are absolutely missing me more than I am you.... that you are not ignoring me for a reason.... and mostly that I am important to you... that's it....

movie... makes you think....

watching this movie for colored girls... it's so beautifully executed.... I understand the pain... the heartache... the trials... everyone understands... this relates to all.... someone close to you... you know that pain.. sitting there with so much hurt in your heart that nothing can ease... nothing can fix...

randomly he told he I was unnecessarily over dramatic... not true... but I am just not happy with you... you don't make me light up... or the way his touch makes my whole body tremble.... you aren't the one... and will never be... and I'm sorry but you call and I wish it was him... you text and my disappointment is never seen... but I feel that when you are near you feel it.... you feel how I just feel uncomfortable when you are near.... I just miss him.. and need him.... and wish he was around... maybe someday he will be closer... I adore him... and you.. I just like to have around... and that's the worst kind of person I could be... I hate that person... I just miss me... when I was with him...

"my love is too vibrant to have thrown back in my face"

Muscles...

Gym tonight was fun... Err... It was... Productive? Fun is definitely giving it too much credit... Plus my guy seriously lacks eye candy... But I guess that's probably good....

Strength I need more than anything... I don't do well with not feeling like a priority.... But truthfully I don't do well with being a priority so I guess it's a vicious cycle... I am thinking baton rouge for Halloween.... Or Dallas.... Ugh. Idk. I need to get away for a while... Nothing makes me happier than a long drive with some awesome music... And my thoughts.

Speaking of thoughts... It's getting cold outside.... I always wanted to be snowed in with someone to keep me warm.... Kinda far fetched in Houston right? LOL .... A girl can dream right? Dreams.... Had a very... Vivid... Dream about this guy... Only thing I thought was... He's constantly on my mind.... Get out of my dreams!! LOL... Then I smiled... Oh well... Date night with my girls tomorrow... Exciting! :)

Xo's... And wish me luck... My arms are already aching LOL....

Adele.... Lyrics that make me smile...

Lyrics to One And Only :

You've been on my mind I grow fonder every day loose myselfintime Just thinking of your face God only knows Why it's taking me so long to let my doubts go You're the only one that I want I don't know why I'm scared, I've beenhere before Every feeling every word,I've imagineditall, You never know if you never tried to forgive your past And simply be mine I dare you to let me be all, the one and only Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms So come on and give me the chance To prove up I'm the one who can Walk them miles Until the air starts ... on your mind You hang on every word I say,lose yourselfintime At the mention of my name, will I ever love How it feels to hold you close And have you tell me which ever roadI choseyou'll go I don't know why I'm scared, I've beenhere before Every feeling every word,I've imagineditall, You never know if you never tried to forgive your past And simply be mine I dare you to let me be all, the one and only I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms So come on and give me the chance To prove up I'm the one who can Walk them miles until the air starts I know it ain't easy Giving up your heart I know it ain't easy Giving up your heart Nobody's perfect, it ain't easy, trust me I've given up your heart Nobody's perfect, it ain't easy, trust me I've given up your heart I know it ain't easy Giving up your heart Nobody's perfect, it ain't easy, trust me I've given up your heart So I dare you to let me be all, the one and only I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms So come on and give me the chance To prove up I'm the one who can Walk them miles until the air starts Come and give me the chance To prove that I'm the one who can Walk them miles until the air starts

Almost Lover

I stumbled upon this song on pandora.... it really speaks to me... it makes me smile and sigh and wonder -- if all these people I thought I loved weren't actually love then what is it really gonna be like? I woke up to a text continuation of yesterday's conversation.... I wanted to know so much more than my mind would allow me to ask.... I think I was more scared to find out the answers... my mind races... screaming silently... "tell me you miss me!!!" "tell me you wake up and I'm the first thing on your mind!!" make my whole day with a goofy picture you took just for me... I'm not asking alot... mostly because I'm not asking... lol I know guys always say they're not mind readers... and that's cool... I'd never expect him to be... it would be nice to know I'm on his mind... but I guess the fact that he text me at all is evidence of that.... I know... asking for alot.... though not really asking... this is the recipe for resentment... kind of hoping that somehow when I see him again... (I'm so tempted to add "if I see him again" to that, out of sheer overdramatics lol) like I was saying, when I see him again I'm hoping that I'll know everything that I need to know about his feelings for me when I am in his arms feeling it first hand... (and no, I didn't mean "it" as being a penis lol... though now that I think about it....lol I digress) anyways... I was just thinking about how great it would be to go see him and spend time... ughhh good night... here's the music that got me thinking...

Babyface - Soon As I Get Home

p.s...

I love "Our Family Wedding" smdh... I kno I kno... "you would." wtf ever... the guy is hot and it makes me smile to think that my family is so awesome and accepting... well the ones in Houston are... lmbo

pretty girls...

there's so much more to a pretty girl... not to sound conceited but I had a few run-ins with the term... but I had an "Ah ha" moment today while running errands for work with a coworker... She's a really pretty lady.... early 30's and she was telling me about her and her fiance' and I must admit when I first saw him I was less than impressed... but that's always been me, so concerened with appearances that I never really stop and think about what I may be passing up... this is so true... and then this weird thing happened... where I find this guy so irresistably attractive, though nothing like what I would think... but if someone is so attractive to you... how could you even question or worry about what other people think? Truth is that she is happy with her man, they knew each other way back in high school... that part made me smile... I was happy to see how great she was feeling about this guy... and how they are trying for kids and wow... it was just inspiring.. cause at some point I'll stop being scared of kids and maybe want one... a cute one... lol anyways.... just random thoughts today... It was ironic to me that at the exact moment she was telling me about how terrible her ex husband was and I get a text from this guy... this guy I adore... this guy i miss terribly... and all the pieces came together.... and I don't know what is on his mind... or how he feels about anything... and it's not something I know how to approch him about... cause frankly I don't want to deal with the possiblities it holds... so anyways... I guess it's back to me... dating is lame... at least I have friends that like to kick it... never a date tho... lol

Ignored...

I don't know what's going on.... Wait yes I do... Once I finally get this guy out of the picture... Out of mind and heart, the only other guy I want to see is ignoring me!! :( not questioning my decision tho... The guy who's out is growing into someone I can not tolerate.... Disrespectful, mean, pushy and all around not enough man for me... 
However I'm quickly running out of patience all together with both.... A little more me time is seriously needed.... A little less missing him, and a little more getting back to me.... Cause the truth is I need neither of them..... But I'd like one of them.... I mean I knew it would suck when he left but I need a little more than he's giving me.... :(

Lyrics- "Mientes" by Camila.... (W/ translation)

Mientes

Tu ,llegaste a mi vida para enseñarme Tu,supiste encenderme y luego apagarme Tu,te hiciste indispensable para mi

Con los ojos cerrados te segui Si yo busque dolor lo consegui No eres la persona que pense Que crei y que perdii

Coro: Mientes me haces daño y luego te arrepientes Ya no tiene caso que lo intentes No me quedan ganas de sentir Llegas cuando estoy a punto de olvidarte Busca tu camino en otra parte Mientras busco el tiempo que perdi Hoy estoy mejor sin ti

Voy,de nuevo recordando lo que soy

Sabiendo lo que das y lo que doy Y el camino que buscaste para ti Y el tiempo es solo suyo y comprendi Las cosas no son siempre porque si no eres la persona que pense que crei, que perdi

CORO

Y hoy estoy mejor sin ti Llegas cuando estoy a punto de olvidarte Busca tu camino en otra parte Mientras busco el tiempo que perdi hoy estoy mejor sin ti hoy estoy mejor sin ti hoy estoy mejor sin ti

English-You lie

You, came into my life to teach me you, knew how to turn me on then turn me out you, made yourself indispensable to me

And, with my eyes closed I followed you if I looked for pain that's what I got youre not the person who I thought u were, who I believed, who I lost

(chorus) you lie, you hurt me and later you regret it now there is no point in you trying I don't have it in me to feel And now you arrive as soon as I'm about to forget you look for your path somewhere else while I look for the time that I lost since today I am better off without you

Today, once again remembering who I am knowing what you give and what I give in me there is no space for you and time did it's thing and I understood things don't happen just because. youre not the person who I thought u were, who I believed, who I lost

(chorus) you lie, you hurt me and later you regret it now there is no point in you trying I don't have it in me to feel

And now you arrive as soon as I'm about to forget you look for your path somewhere else while I look for the time that I lost since today I am better off without you since today I am better off without you

oh ooh oh

and now you arrive, as soon as I'm about to forget you look for your path somewhere else while I look for the time that I lost since today I am better off without you since today I am better off without you since today I am better off without you

Picture this...

I look at this picture a million times a day... It's on my homescreen on my phone.... The feelings it used to drudge up seem so far a way.... I used to have butterflies thinking of that kiss you placed so tenderly on my cheek, how deep down inside I was shocked and amazed in your bold action, but frozen smile on my face etched in foreverness by the picture.... I just miss you.

let's play....

what a wild weekend.... but let's discuss the theory of cuffing season... today was the first day where the weather was cool enough for a sweater. and low and behold... with this came cuffing season.... I've never had the real definition of cuffing season.... let me google this.... okay so basically it gets cold outside and people wanna hook up... like on some real couple stuff... which is cute... the one i want is so far away.... it's all good... I can chill and enjoy the dating... keeping my distance... and figuring out how to make the distance between me and him a lot shorter-feeling... I know it's silly... and I am being such a dreamer.... I mean such an idealist... how can I not be head over heels for this guy? he's amazing.....

so back to this cuffing season... I miss being close... I just want to lay and look at the stars with you....
so I would love to know what his thoughts are.... but I don't know if I could ask... rejection is bad enough.... but from 2500+ miles? ugh! this is hard..... and worth it?? I hope so... it feels like it...

okay that's all