Forgiveness

this is definitely something I am good at... It takes a lot for me to not forgive someone.... I just understand I don't need this hate in my heart. my heart needs to be free. but for what? I'm not too sure. I stopped doing alot of things that I liked, that made me someone I didn't want to be. So I changed. not as easy as it sounds. I just needed some time to get back to me. I'm kind of getting to the point where I've had quite enough me time... now back to the real world.... it's hard to jump back in. a lot of what I was doing was focused around who I was with... and I can't have all that I don't trust myself drunk.... I don't know who I want to be around.... I feel like this blog has become quite whiny lately and for that I apologize... I'll jump back into the crazy world that I usually lead sometime soon.
I think I just need a little boost out of my slump... and I'm sure I'll get back there soon... have a great evening....

betrayal.... and building....

this morning after class I went to help rebuild a house that belonged to a veteran. He was an older gentleman... so nice though, just amazed that all these people are up on their days off and completely overlhauling his home. we put in new siding, windows, a fresh coat of paint over everything, it was a real project! so much hard work! It was 90 degrees and not a cloud in sight... but when I left I felt great. I haven't done any type of just community service since my sorority days in college! (the first time lol) so that's the building part, let's get the to the betrayal....

A couple of months ago I heard about this awesome job that I would have loved to have. This job wasn't like a dream job, but it was a great job with awesome benefits that I would have just really enjoyed. I told a really good friend about it. Now let's pause and talk about this friend. This friend and I have been friends since around fall of 2000, through all our ups and downs we've been close. This friend has been out of work, and out of state until recently. While out of work and out of state, I would send money, and pretty much whatever I could do to help. Even now that this friend is working I would do all I could to help, I invite them out all the time, I always drive, spending my gas, time and money to try and get her out of the house, to have fun and go out and just enjoy spending time together. After a few years, things have become so very one sided. I mean things have been kind of ridiculous. So one afternoon, they hit me up and ask me if I want to go to lunch, I politely decline as I am at work, and running low on funds. This friend says oh it's on me... which is already a surprise, I think to myself, well that's nice, after all those years of me paying, they are finally going to pay for a meal, that's pretty cool. So I am like cool. what time because I had 30 more minutes of work. This friend says, oh I'm almost done, I was already here when I first text you. WTF?! why even call? because you were already eating and decided you looked lonely so I should drop everything and just rush over to catch you in mid-meal? What kind of lame idea was that? but, I digress, let me get back to the job. So I learned about this opportunity and told them that the only way to get this job is to basically check the online postings everyday. So that particular week I had been really swamped with work and school and as much as I wanted that other job I just hadn't checked the website. So I get a text from this friend saying to check the website and that the job posting is up, I immediately check it, (like literally within seconds of the text) and there are no postings for that job, I was like what the hell?? I guess they must have pulled it, I was disappointed but I figured that it was just my bad luck that I missed it. So a couple weeks later they're headed to training, meanwhile our friendship is the same. Then they start going on about how much they wish I would have gotten hired too... so many annoying details... all this just to find out that they knew about the posting and waited 3days, to tell me about it.... After I put them on that job, and after everything I had done.... I haven't lost faith in friendships. I just know that I need to quit mistaking longevity for loyalty. regardless, I will still keep that person in my prayers, those i no longer need them in my life.

I will definitely just spend more time on school and working to make my goals happen, regardless of those who may be more worried about their best interests. i keep lookin at  this picture... of how friendship used to be... and then I stop and ask myself why would someone keep me so close just to judge, and wish me ill... i guess that's just life... but frienamies I do not need.

moving on.... also planning to get my passport pics done tomorrow... still no clue where I'm going but it will be empowering just to have it....

so all in all... I feel like today was a win, I found out who my real friends are, and I helped rebuild the home of an american hero... that's definitely a win....

Sweet thang...

Don't ya know your my everything??? Not so serious tho.

But he crosses my mind everyday tho...

And it's making me wonder how many other females feel the same... About him tho...

Long day ahead..... Still he's running through my mind.... Missing him tho...

just another day in paradise...

finally... after 3 weeks, a true day off, no class, no work... just me... my bed... my pajamas.... and my dog... lol It's amazing to me that I went so long and didn't call in... :) proud of me! lol but instead of being productive like I fully intended on being I took not one, not two but three naps... yes. three. it was amazing. fantastic... I was semi-productive... I packed my gym bag for tomorrow after work... and got ahead in my online class.... i need a boo in my life to be really antiproductive... like spend all day in bed watching stupid old tv shows on netflix.... or watching movies that no one remembers... I haven't had a day like that in so long I can't really remember maybe someday....

I have been swamped at work with so many projects and what not... I  can't say I don't enjoy it... it's gonna be fun... whenever I actually get time to work on it all...

So I had a serious conversation with the tenderoni last night. I laid it all out there. I will not tolerate his mood swings and more importantly how he spoke to me before. He apologized at first but then his pride kicked in and he was basically like "this is who I am, you just have to deal with it" let me explain how I don't. I don't have to deal with you being rude, inconsiderate or disrespectful. So that was that. I think it was alot easier for me to just shut it down with him because I have spent time with someone who treated me so much better. He actually though keeping a safe emotional distance was able to make me feel so wanted, cared about and desired, I am so glad that he is/was in my life. Although he's far away I feel a little like I owe it to him to try and just focus on me until I get a chance to communicate and spend some time with him and figure out what it is that I would like for him to be in my life.. like what role it is that he plays for me... right now I feel terrible that I compare all these people to him... they don't measure up and I'm just not willing to settle for someone who isn't gonna make me feel like he did...
crazy part about it is that as much as I care about him I would need some serious reassuring about his feelings because I know I have built him up so high... I could fall for him, I might already have..... but my brain won't let me tumble into an uncertain future with someone across the world from me. my brain also won't let me settle for a guy who was so quick to talk crazy to me when he was clearly in the wrong. So back to doing me... back to school work, back to gym... and most of all back to exclusively looking to the needs of my and what's in my best interest... I think it's the capricorn in me that is so quick to put someone else first and my needs last...
after all that.. I'm still getting my passport... I planned on getting it before I started falling for him... and I keep trying to have my mindset that this has nothing to do with him.. but part of me admits fully that it does.... we'll see..... anyways I am very happy that I told tenderoni how it is.... and as simple as I could put it.

"you don't have to do anything. you don't have to tell me what's going on in your life. but if you want me to stick around, you will. You don't have to talk to me like I am your mother or grandmother but you will be considerate of my feelings when you talk to me. you won't speak to me disrespectfully or rude or even in an angry tone, I don't do it to you. but remember you don't have to do any of these things, but if you want me around, you will."

The funny part is, I could care less whether he wants me around or not. I just miss the other guy, the one who held me and helped me fly.... smh... it's making me sad but I seriously think about him almost everyday... I find myself missing how I felt when I was with him... I guess no matter how much I try and convince myself that I did not fall... I just stumbled... but then I wake up and wish he was there... and wonder if i fell while I was trying to convince myself I hadn't even gotten close....

3am in Houston...

Well, 3:23 to be precise. Everytime I close my eyes my mind is flooded with memories and daydreams, blended together making me unsure of what it is I'm expecting.... So I expect nothing. I am constantly pushing myself to do better both educationally and physically. Excited about gym time tomorrow after I finish the last of my homework.... :) was busy planning a trip I may never take, to see a man I aspire to date LOL....

So many thoughts like wildfire in my head.... One igniting the next, but what I need is some rest.
But thought stray to the best, he outshined all the rest. Made my heart into a mess, with this distance faith's test....
How many guys do you know that I would just tear up at the thought of them gone? Cry over a guy? It's not unheard of but why?
Not because I'm a glutton for pain, because he's more than a main, just someone who I can see in the long run, someone whos got a side besides fun...
Compassion, thoughtful and clever...he won't know how he makes me feel ever... Too much power for someone to have over me. But if he never knows than will he ever be able to see? Sometimes things must be spelt out. Just to erase all the shadows of doubt....

Just keep wondering how to grow closer... A half the world away from someone....

While I'm daydreaming of you...

I day dream of you so until you're close again, I'm going to do me. Yes. Me.  I renewed/restarted my gym membership so that made me happy. Not really about the money part. But knowing that I have nothing stopping me from being happy with myself did make me feel great. I'm supposed to go out tomorrow night but looking at my schedule for my online class that's going to be a no. :/ might go anyways and just behave. Sunday is going to be a long ass day if I do go. :/ I have a store meeting at 6am... Ughhh anyways I'm so exhausted! :/ working while studying... Or viceversa has me drained.
Very drained... Hopefully i'll be able to enjoy my Monday off... :) that would be niiiiccceee (fabolous voice)
I have his picture on my mirror... It makes me smile and remember him being playful and "attacking" me on the couch... A hug he dove into... Made me melt.... Those little things left a big impression on me......xo

ancient aliens....

where did we come from? who created us? what is the purpose of life? google sent me to some lame website to help me discover the purpose of my life in 20 mins or less... if i can figure it out that quickly what have I been doing the last 26 years? let's start small, why is my dog alive? well she was born out of wedlock (omg! scandal!) and she's been raised by her adoptive family since, she pees in the bathroom (she can't reach the toilet) she barks at the wind, she hates most people and other dogs... what is her purpose? well in my eyes, I love and adore her so her purpose is to be my tiny companion. the furry little love of my heart.... she's a great listener, has an attitude and just never takes direction....so what is her purpose? she's more of a pest to those around her, (namely my mom's 85 lb. black lab) so what is her purpose? I guess it depends on those who know and love her... so back to me.... who is going to proclaim my purpose? and what is that? love, hate, education, to help? do I create my own purpose? or do I just find it along the way?... guess we'll have to see...

My homie finally returned an email I sent a while back... I woke up to see the email and couldn't stop smiling... it was so quick simple but it made my day. nothing increases the sexiness of a man like one who appreciates and takes time out for the little things. He hasn't been doing a good job of that lately but I feel like the potential is there! :) let's hope.

have a great week y'all... it's almost the weekend! *yay*

5 Years ago....

Okay so me and my sister are gonna celebrate 5 years of being affiliated with our frat brothers in November.... damn so much has happened.... I've grown so much... changed so much.... so many smiles.... just a random thought.... memory blog coming soon

smelling yourself....

Dear You,

You really got some fucking nerve. talking to me like I'm a fucking child. and the whole time I'm really just trying to be the kind loving person whom I choose to be. Little things that I wanted you to understand were a very big deal, you just didn't seem to understand. I thrive on little things, brush the hair out of my face, pump the gas for me..... kiss me on the forehead, the temple.... love me like I love you. like you want to be loved. he held me close and made me feel like the most important thing in his life. i don't understand how I could make you so important to me and you just treat me like crap. It's all good... I made a mistake. and I plan to rectify that as soon as possible... regardless of what I think I wanted I made a mistake when I thought you were the right one. I was wrong. I wanted him from the beginning and I should have listened to my instinct. but now you're both wrong for me... him... a million miles away and perfect, and you 5 minutes away and acting like a child. so I chose wrong and here I am... disappointed in you once again... and wishing I could disappear into his warm soft arms and watch stupid old tv shows that only we appreciate... and you... such a sad concept. I guess you won... and I lost... cause every time I got close to you I closed my eyes hard and tried to imagine it was him, his kiss, his hug, his voice....
Now I will forever wonder how life would have turned out if I had told him how I felt before he left... and didn't worry so much about you and how you felt.

Not so mad anymore, kinda relieved it's over with you,
Me.

Chaos....mass chaos and panic....

So I get to work... Almost on time... And have to go run an errand for a company truck.... Easy as cake right?? Wrong!! Totally ended up stranded at a gas station waiting for "emergency" roadside assistance.... And the lady who helped me was dumb as rocks... Lady the fuel line is broken. This means any little spark will ignite the whole damn truck. So I had a tasty breakfast of gas station food... And now I'm stuck here waiting for "about 90 mins" for this roadside assistance. Now. This...is... Ridiculous.... Plenty of time to contemplate my life.... So here are a few things I decided...
1. I need a haircut terribly. And a less damaging way of straightening my hair...
2. My eyeliner looks amazing today.
3. I miss my homie terribly. And am pretty sure I'm going to start a vow of celibacy until next year. That'll be quite a challenge but I think I can handle it.
4. The jerks who decided we should have truck rental owe me lunch. Cause this is the worst.
5. I'm going to make a conscious effort to stop cussing... That autocorrected to fussing... So that too.
6. I will be moving before the end of this year... I need to start hunting for furniture....anyone wanting to donate a large tv please feel free....
7. I used to like the smell of gasoline but now I definitely ended up nauseous....
8. I really hope everything comes through with this promotion because I am working hard and believe I deserve it.

Ughhh still at the gas station.....

Early morning random..

I wonder how many people read this.... If any.... If so... Don't worry :)
Empty cold beds make sadness run through my head.... But with the feeling behind, I shake off the sadness and continue my grind....
:) early morning poet. Have a blessed day..... Whoever you are... Xo

Marathon.....

Totally wrapped up in the idea of love.... I've been watching that old show Dick van Dyke on netflix. Addicted. I love the family dynamics and it's just straight up funny. :) I went to lunch with an old friend from high school... Got to meet her husband and daughter.... It was.... Inspiring. :). Happiness takes many forms I'm just wrapped up in the idea of the little things adding up to be huge. You can't come home and not be welcomed by a hug and kiss.... That's just how it's supposed to be. I've been apartment shopping and all kinds of cool things.... :) I'm so ready to start my life. And the resources are coming around. I'm just taken back by how much I'm absolutely missing this man. I have a picture of him on my phone... Not on the main page cause I'd surely spiral into depression Lmbo... But when I see it I smile... I replay kisses and Passion in my mind.... And then I just sigh and miss him. Miss him to the point where I shouldn't be so affected. I just miss the little things. I didn't get very much time to enjoy them.... So now I just miss him. And I daydream... And remember his devilish grin... Lips that had me hanging off his every word.... His skin... So soft... It was strange to be so drawn completely into someone who's so dangerous for me emotionally.... So I sit back and focus on work and school and just miss him. I don't call him.... I don't dwell on the fact I haven't gotten anything from him. I'm just glad that it happened... It being the time we spent together...nasty minds LOL.... Focusing on me... Working hard. Studying harder. And thinking about him daily.... At least the time between thoughts is starting to expand... But I come home and look in my mirror and there's this picture tucked neatly in the corner. And it starts me thinking.... "I wonder if he's doing the same thing" or if he just took those pictures put them in the bottom of a drawer... And memories of me with them.... And forgot.... We'll see....

wow... this really spoke to me.... KillerHipHop » Joe Budden – Follow My Lead Lyrics

KillerHipHop » Joe Budden – Follow My Lead Lyrics: you sayin’, “follow my lead, follow, follow my lead”
brought me to my knees, she must wanna holla at me.
when the World feel like swallowin’ me,
when every decision costly, and I ain’t got a dolla on me.
check it, I don’t wanna pretend, I don’t wanna live a lie.
I don’t wanna be judged, dont wanna be criticized.
I dont wanna talk, there nothin’ I wanna say,
boy, I let em get to know me, the more they just runaway.
and that, must be your way of sayin’ we should stay together.
I know how to f-ck it up, more then I can make it better.
I figured folk around me would learn to take it better,
instead of tryna change me, I been this way forever.
time will reveal, more will be shown.
you pushed it, I thought the door closed on it’s own.
but uh, nevermind what caused it, livin’ a dream,
nothin’ in this World powerful enough to pause it.
sing

"When it all, all falls down....."

Kanye had something there.... Things are kinda terrible.... I miss him....

9/11

Okay I'm a little early for a 9/11 blog however saw some footage and remembered how scary that morning was.... being in class.... watching the towers fall... seeing how worried my friends and teachers were... then moving to my office aide period where all the students were being picked up and the parents trying to mask their fears with half hearted jokes as well as students trying to act like they weren't worried.... like they were too cool for fear.... we all felt the fear... the unspoken trembling we all felt in our hearts....

the footage still makes me teary to the point of being unable to watch.... :(