I have been swamped at work with so many projects and what not... I can't say I don't enjoy it... it's gonna be fun... whenever I actually get time to work on it all...
So I had a serious conversation with the tenderoni last night. I laid it all out there. I will not tolerate his mood swings and more importantly how he spoke to me before. He apologized at first but then his pride kicked in and he was basically like "this is who I am, you just have to deal with it" let me explain how I don't. I don't have to deal with you being rude, inconsiderate or disrespectful. So that was that. I think it was alot easier for me to just shut it down with him because I have spent time with someone who treated me so much better. He actually though keeping a safe emotional distance was able to make me feel so wanted, cared about and desired, I am so glad that he is/was in my life. Although he's far away I feel a little like I owe it to him to try and just focus on me until I get a chance to communicate and spend some time with him and figure out what it is that I would like for him to be in my life.. like what role it is that he plays for me... right now I feel terrible that I compare all these people to him... they don't measure up and I'm just not willing to settle for someone who isn't gonna make me feel like he did...
crazy part about it is that as much as I care about him I would need some serious reassuring about his feelings because I know I have built him up so high... I could fall for him, I might already have..... but my brain won't let me tumble into an uncertain future with someone across the world from me. my brain also won't let me settle for a guy who was so quick to talk crazy to me when he was clearly in the wrong. So back to doing me... back to school work, back to gym... and most of all back to exclusively looking to the needs of my and what's in my best interest... I think it's the capricorn in me that is so quick to put someone else first and my needs last...
after all that.. I'm still getting my passport... I planned on getting it before I started falling for him... and I keep trying to have my mindset that this has nothing to do with him.. but part of me admits fully that it does.... we'll see..... anyways I am very happy that I told tenderoni how it is.... and as simple as I could put it.
"you don't have to do anything. you don't have to tell me what's going on in your life. but if you want me to stick around, you will. You don't have to talk to me like I am your mother or grandmother but you will be considerate of my feelings when you talk to me. you won't speak to me disrespectfully or rude or even in an angry tone, I don't do it to you. but remember you don't have to do any of these things, but if you want me around, you will."
The funny part is, I could care less whether he wants me around or not. I just miss the other guy, the one who held me and helped me fly.... smh... it's making me sad but I seriously think about him almost everyday... I find myself missing how I felt when I was with him... I guess no matter how much I try and convince myself that I did not fall... I just stumbled... but then I wake up and wish he was there... and wonder if i fell while I was trying to convince myself I hadn't even gotten close....
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