the wonder years...

absolutely engulfed in the netflix marathon of The Wonder Years I am having... I love the innocence of it all...

it's masking what's really on my mind... I miss him so much.... he might be back sooner than I thought... I want him to be back... alot... but I know he's gonna be kinda miserable... not about me.. lol... I'm sure that part will be great but I feel like his gonna be sad to be stuck in Houston when he wants to be working across the world... and I just want to be where his is lol... it's funny but I see it like this... I'm young and in school... yeah work is fun.. but I want to see this develop... maybe it will, maybe it won't but either way it's like something growing that just needs a little sun, water... and whatever plants eat... wait... dirt? I'm saying that a relationship I want just needs dirt? yeah sure... that's what plants eat right? jk... I am no botanist but you know what I mean... it would be nice to have him around for holidays... (mostly thanksgiving, christmas is weird for me) I think christmas is weird because it's the day before my birthday... I'm not really a good gift accepter...if that's a thing... I just have this thing about getting gifts from guys... I feel like the more unique and sentimental it is, the better... like yeah anybody can spend money... but someone who would get me something silly but special to me would be better... uhmm lets see.. I had a bar guest get me Spurs tickets once... that was the most thoughtful thing ever... yeah they were like in the rafters but I care not! It was truly a thoughtful gift... my brother once got me a light up markerboard toy thing... THAT was sooo cool! I almost cried (later when he wasn't looking lol) it was amazing to me how well my brother knows me...

so anyways I still want him around... I feel like I'm being selfish wanting him back... but I do.. and I guess I am.... I actually want to show him I can cook.. I mean he's got a huge appetite... lol I'd love to do the family thing and whatnot... my family seems to ask about him alot... it's kinda of weird...I mean for a person they've only met like once, they sure do ask about the guy more than most of the people in my life who they see quite frequently... I wonder why... maybe it's because my eyes truly light up when they ask about him... and they tear up at the thought of him being so far... and the idea that he might not be as worried about me as I am about him... I guess it's just a lot to think about.... It's alot for anyone to think about... I mean I keep passing on dates, and outing with other guys... and I try and convince myself it's not about him.... that I'm not "waiting" for him... but its kind of hard to deny the obvious.. but it's not really "waiting" persay... it's more of I don't want to date someone else... when my mind is all wrapped up in him... and I light up at his name, his message, and the memory of him... errrr... lol yeah... anyways

I guess it just sucks when the one thing you want most, is the thing that will probably make the other person most unhappy... this is where I throw my feelings aside and just wish his happiness... and I do... for the most part... I just want to be apart of that happiness....